11 Ways To Do Chores That Ensure You’re Never Asked Again

1. Bring up the fact that your ex always used to cook for you. She’ll appreciate the comparison.

2. Always have diarrhea so there’s never a good time to clean the toilet.

3. Carry around the laundry, then when she asks why you’re not folding them, say you thought she asked you to ‘hold’ the clothes, then offer to book her in to see a speech therapist.

4. Wrap all four fingers around the thumb of the same hand, then yank down with your wrist to snap the tendon.

5. Break every second plate you put away, claiming it’s become force-of-habit since she made you attend the Papadopoulos’s wedding.

6. Argue that you can’t water the garden because the hose is jammed, and when she looks down the nozzle to inspect, run back inside and lock the door.

7. ‘Accidentally’ scrub the Teflon layer off of delicate pots and pans by using the rough side of a squirrel.

8. Tell her you would help, but it’s Shabbat, and if she’s anything like me, she won’t know what day that’s supposed to be and take your word for it.

9. Explain that you can’t dry the dishes because of your porcelain allergy, and when she mentions your porcelain-fused crowns, feign a sneezing fit until she gives up.

10. Tell her all the cool kids are using Mountain Dew Baja Blast instead of laundry detergent, and if she puts up any resistance, ask her why she wants you to be a social outcast.

11. Claim the reason you came back from the mall with an Xbox Series X and Psychonauts 2 instead of groceries was because you couldn’t find any of the items on her shopping list.