5 Colors You Can Call that Shirt Your Mom Got You That Aren’t “Pink”

1. Blue 

This one’s easy. Just say it’s blue, and gaslight anyone who questions you, saying stuff like “what’s pink?”, or “this is blue for sure, as blue as the ocean is blue, as blue as Betty White is immortal!”, or “all your friends are lying to you, I’m the only one you can trust. This shirt is blue.” 

2. Fresh Blood 

The trick for this one is to imply that the shirt used to be white, but then you had to kill something with your bare hands that stained your shirt, making it a fresh blood color. Say things like “Man, mere minutes ago this shirt was as white as Joe Biden’s teeth! Too bad that tiger tried to attack that baby! Luckily I was able to intervene.” This will guarantee that everyone thinks you’re cool, plus your tiger story will throw off any suspicion that your shirt is actually pink. 

3. Anger 

The manliest emotion. Saying your shirt is anger-colored is sure to deter anyone who claims your shirt is pink, as they’ll be too scared of your alpha male reaction. 

4. Light Red 

It’s almost pink, but instead, it’s light red. 

5. Undercooked Chicken 

Nothing screams “I’m a Man” more than embracing the risk of contracting salmonella from undercooked chicken. Calling your pink shirt undercooked chicken will remind your peers that you should be feared and respected and that you’re not afraid of some pink in the middle of your poultry.