5 Jokes My Girlfriend Won’t Let Me Tell - But You’re Cool, Right?

Hey dude, I just got done fightin' with the ol’ ball and chain. God, women can be so on top of you sometimes, and not in a hot, “almost have sex with you” kind of way. She kept hounding me about how I couldn’t do my set when we were out with her friends. I just want to work on my material, see where I can improve and what jokes her friends are too sensitive to handle. But I figured you’d be cool about my sense of humor, and hopefully help me hone my act so that one day, I can be the next Andrew Dice Clay.

A Jew, a Polish Guy, and a Mexican walk into bar and they’re arguing about whether Chinese people got a right to-

Okay, okay! Sorry, my bad, no ethnic humor. No, I know that shit is offensive, but that’s THE POINT! Comedy is always supposed to offend groups, push buttons, go against the grai- okay yeah I might just come off as an asshole but hey, did people think Carlin wasn’t an asshole? Well yeah, I know that like the worst people thought he was an asshole cause he was offending them, and I’m saying that Jewish people- oh, I see. I’ve dug myself quite a hole here. I didn’t realize you were Jewish, and I’m so sorry. For the record, I love Israel and Seinfeld, not that those things matter to you, I just thought I’d mention that right now. Anyways, here’s another joke.

How many lesbian carpet-makers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, women can’t- 

Oh, God, no no no no, I don’t have a problem with lesbians, or any LGBT people. I have a married couple I’m friends with that are lesbians. I’m always trying to get them to sleep with me, but it’s all in good fun. They’re in on it! Ellen DeGeneres is an icon, I’ve always believed that. Oh, no I don’t support abusing interns, or hanging out with George Bush, I kind of forgot about those things. But also, who doesn’t yell at their employees? Isn’t that just being a good boss? Okay, sure, I guess it would suck for the interns. Alright, alright, sorry, here, let me try another one. 

So, I Was Watching The Olympics and There Was A Trans Athlete- 

Oh come on, I can’t even say the punchline? Maybe my joke is pro trans. How do you know it’s not? Okay, you want to hear it? She wins! Very funny! Ha ha, he he, ho ho, chort, sortle guffaw tee hee knee slap! Slap your knee! Oh God, I didn’t know you recently had surgery on your knee, I’m so sorry. Can I get you some ice? I know we’re outside and not near any ice, I was just trying to be polite. No, I know it’s not polite to offer something you can’t follow through on. You know what I think will make you feel better? A different joke!

Do you ever notice how Chinese people-

OKAY, Jesus, I really can’t say anything around you! What are you, talking to my wife or something? It’s called comedy, you fucking idiot. Are you too stupid to understand the difference between a joke and my real opinions? NO I don’t have any problem with Chinese people…but you gotta admit, when they- OKAY! Fine! You win! Wait, wait wait wait, I got one more, no, don’t walk away, it’s not a joke. It’s an impression.

 “Yo bitch, I’m Bernie Mac! What it is!?”

No, it’s out of respect! I respect him, that’s why I learned to impersonate him. Impersonation is the highest form of flattery. Don’t you understand ANYTHING about comedy? Even Bernie Mac would like my impression of him! Wait, where are you going? Can I get a ride? I know, I know, but I was using my girlfriend’s debit card to call an Uber, and she’s just locked me out of it. Okay, thank you. By the way, can we stop for some food on the way home? I’m really craving a chalupa. And NO, that’s not a segue into a joke about Mexicans. However, I have been working on some Taco Bell related material. Have you ever noticed how all the employees at taco bell can’t speak engl- wait, don't drive away! Where are you going? It’s a good bit, I promise!!!!