Breaking: Aging Celebrity You Assumed Was Dead Is Now Actually Dead

All of Hollywood mourns today for the loss of one of its best actors, John Lagmer, a man we all assumed had died a long time ago. While some people grieve his passing, the rest of the world is left confused, assuming that he had already died of a heart attack or something back in 2010. Samantha Myers, a film blogger, and Lagmer fan, spoke of the late actor’s passing despite having written a similar post years ago. 

“It is with great sadness and bewilderment that I write to all of my loyal readers today,” the post reads. “As any true followers of this blog know, the pain I experienced several years ago when I wrote about the passing of John Lagmer was beyond anything I have yet to feel again. At least, that was the case up until this point. I have just learned John Lagmer did not die when I wrote that blog piece, but he is dead now and the sadness is unbearable. Why, just yesterday I remember thinking he was dead, but now he is really dead and I am utterly destroyed. What a tragedy.”

While fans across the world share the pain and surprise of Lagmer’s passing, former colleagues also find themselves shaken by his death. Gregory Lespin, a fellow actor who worked on the stage with Lagmer for many years, spoke about the shock of his death. 

“You know, I could have sworn he had died back in 2003,” Lespin said. “Then I saw him on stage with me a few weeks later and felt a freezing fear in my belly. I’ve lived with that fear every day of my life, believing Lagmer to be some incarnation of death who was waiting to whisk me away to the underworld. Now I can rest easy, knowing that his ghastly form is gone and will no longer haunt me. People say he died today, but I know the truth. I know he died long ago and no report from TMZ will convince me otherwise.”

Although the cause of death is still uncertain, officials say they thought he choked on a piece of pork in around 2006 and are curiously investigating the current situation. The Lagmer family has declined comment, but sources close to them report visible confusion on their face.