Cancel Culture Gone Crazy: I Got Fired For My Allegiance to the Taliban

Well patriots, Twitter has officially TAKEN OVER my life. You make ONE minor, super insignificant pledge to destroy everything the west has ever stood for and submit yourself to the will of Allah and people lose their collective minds! Ridiculous. You can’t do anything these days without social justice warlords coming out of their respective digital caves and criticizing your every move. 

Let me explain; earlier this year I decided to pledge allegiance to the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, which is my right as an American. No big deal right? Well wrong, because some bitch I went to high school found out about it and decided to tell everyone I knew. Now, I am used to being thought of as controversial; I wrote my final paper for my civics class on why the right to vote should be taken away from women who cheat on me. I am more than a little used to being the subject of criticism. But ever since cancel culture took over the entire world, every controversial decision I’ve ever made is getting a light shed on it. And while some are telling me I’m facing “legitimate backlash” and “consequences for once,” I know the truth: CANCEL CULTURE IS OUT OF CONTROL.

The thing that pushed me over the edge was that I lost my job. I was the most enthusiastic spokesperson for Faygo soda you are likely to meet, but even my can-do attitude couldn’t save me and my job from the Woke Mob. My boss called me up and said to me, and I shit you not, he said this, “Are you in the fucking Taliban? What the hell is the matter with you?! You’re fucking fired you piece of shit!”

He didn’t even want to hear MY SIDE of the story, can you believe it? Anyways, I am working right now to appeal his decision to fire me. Unfortunately, the Faygo corporate board won’t respond to any of my emails. Maybe if I end it with “I will gladly stand over your corpses and piss on your faces in the name of Allah you “awesome” western scum,” that’ll change things. I dunno, let’s see.