Dying Man Insists Joe Rogan Perform Critical Surgery On Him

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Jason Gural (28) lies in a hospital bed after a recent cardiac episode caused by a coronary blockage, possibly the result of a diet consisting almost exclusively of venison and Alpha Brain. According to Gural’s physician, the solution is clear, “the young man must receive a triple bypass surgery sometime in the near future if he wants to live to see 30,” Scott Walsh, a cardiologist at Indiana University Health gravely told us. 

Fortunately, Gural is completely on board to have the surgery as soon as possible. Unfortunately, however, he refuses to have a cardiothoracic surgeon operate on him but, rather, insists that the intricate medical procedure be performed by comedian and famed podcast host, Joe Rogan.

“A triple bypass surgery is super complicated and if I’m getting one, I want it to be from someone who really understands how the human body works, not some idiot doctor.” Gural told us as he pushed several tubes aside to reach for his dab pen, “I mean if Joe Rogan wasn’t a medical expert, why does he recommend I take so many supplements? How come he’s my main source for covid protocol, huh?” He also demanded that Joey “Coco” Diaz be there to tell him a story about the old days as the anesthesia kicks in.