Getting a Divorce and Other Ways I’m Exactly Like Elon Musk

The minute I saw the story that cold-hearted skeleton woman, Grimes, and our sweet prince, Elon Musk, were taking a one-way train to splitsville, I immediately leaped out of my seat and joyfully screamed so loud that I had to be escorted out of Long John Silver’s. This news is a huge deal to me because I, like Elon, have had multiple divorces, followed by the mother of my child leaving me. This further confirms my theory that Elon and I are exactly the same. Before you dismiss this commonality as pure coincidence, check out the uncanny amount of qualities I have in common with the celebrity billionaire.

We Both Dropped Out of College

That’s right, society may perceive both of us as losers, but in reality, we’re just visionaries too smart for any of you rule-followers to understand. Though we dropped out of different colleges, Elon quitting Stanford’s Ph. D program for applied physics and me storming out of Merritt Community College’s general education department, screaming, “homework is bullshit,” we still basically did the same thing. Dropping out of college is the ultimate sign of a man destined for greatness, no matter where he dropped out of, or what restraining orders were filed in the process.

We Both Initially Failed to Get Funding for Our Businesses

Yet another commonality, proving that Elon and I are both misunderstood geniuses. When Elon first launched Space X, he had trouble securing funding from venture capitalists and had to use his own money. Similarly, when I had a few Twisted Teas the other night and called my uncle at 3 AM, begging for $30,000 to develop the first car you can fuck, he hung up on me. Both are cases of people unable to see the potential behind a great vision.

We Both Call People Pedophiles On Twitter

They say a great man is unafraid to speak his mind. By this logic, there is no doubt Elon and I are both great men. After my uncle turned down an investment opportunity of a lifetime, I pounded a few more Tweas, went straight to Twitter, and publicly claimed that he touched me in my swimsuit area when I was nine. Sure, by conventional definitions this may not actually have happened. But of course, I meant it as a metaphor for his cutting short my dreams and ambitions. This was not unlike when Elon called the British caver who helped rescue 12 boys, a ‘pedo’ on Twitter, despite any base for this accusation.

Peter Theil Doesn’t Think Either of Us Are Good Role Models

In an interview with tech-mogul, Peter Theil, he referred to Elon as a ‘negative role model’ because his accomplishments are too ground-breaking and unique for a young person to aspire to achieve. This, of course, is uncannily similar to that one time I was hammered drunk at Chile’s and I flipped over the table when the waitress told me I seemed too “intoxicated” for her to serve me another one of their signature Long Island Iced Teas. After my brave act of defiance, I heard this guy at the table behind me, who, I swear to god, looked just like Peter Theil, whispering to his son, “don’t be like him when you grow up.” Of course, what he meant by this was that, just like Elon, I am too much of an innovator for his son to possibly aspire to be like me.