Getting Back to Normal: 6 Things to Yell at Random Women Once Masks Are Gone

Masks. They were cool when Slipknot wore them, but now they trigger an unhinged fury in your psyche. Masks are a blessing and a curse. On one hand, they’re a symbol of a tyrannical government overreaching its boundaries to muzzle the masses. On the other hand, they’re the perfect excuse to harass women. 

As the pandemic comes to an end, your go-to thing to yell in a gas station parking lot, “nice mask bitch” or….I don’t know, I had a funnier one a few days ago. I can’t think of it now….shit. Uh, yeah, anyway, masks are going away and you’re gonna need something to yell at women who are minding their own business. 

“Nice Tits, Bitch!”

This one is a classic “negging” technique. She’s gonna think about you for the rest of the day. The compliment will swim around her brain when she’s at home doing yoga or watching….if I had to guess Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? This is likely the first time anyone’s ever said that to her, so it’ll help you stand out, should you run into her again. 

“Bitch!” 

This one is more to the point. Bitch. The perfect insult to get under a woman’s skin. It reminds her that she’s just a dog in heat. Ready to pounce. Even though you’re in a grocery store and she has her kids with her. 

“HEY! Nice um…uh, shit…….um, y-you’re a fucking BITCH!” 

Awesome recovery dude! Sometimes it’s hard to come up with something on the spot so it’s nice to have the phrase bitch in your back pocket to yell while hanging out at a college campus coffee shop. The word “Fucking” is also a power booster. It’s a cool and badass word that hasn’t been wrung of all meaning the second Nicolas Cage did a Buzzfeed-style interview show about it. 

“Stupid Bitch”

I’m not too crazy about this one. Stupid is a bit ableist. Damn, I miss masks. 

“Where’sYour FUCKING MASK Bitch?”

Turn it on them and pivot to being a guy who thinks masks should be worn post-pandemic. Express your concern with that misogynistic flair that gives you the only sense of power you experience in this miserable life. 

“BITCH”

Yeah uh, it works, I dunno what to tell ya. I’ve alienated nearly all of the women in my life and it’s all due to that simple, yet powerful word.