How To Show A Job That You’re The Ideal Candidate Who Will Do FUCKING ANYTHING To Land The Job

Brian Bueche

Job hunting is annoying. You have to find a job you like, you have to make up a whole application, write a cover letter, and if you’re lucky, go through a long interview process. And once you’re interviewing, there’s no guarantee the company will like you. You could go through all the work for absolutely nothing. Well luckily, ManFacts is here to show you how to win these people over. By the end of this article, you’ll easily convince hiring managers that you are the perfect candidate, and hiring anybody else would be a poor unfortunate mistake for the company (and the hiring manager’s family). Let’s get into it.

Show Your Silly Side!

Jobs can be boring. They can be mundane and sad. Fix that! Show the job that you have a sense of humor, as well as a killer hustle!

If they say they want a “data entry rockstar” you best bet you’re showing up to the interview with long hair, a guitar, and lots of coke. Show them you are a rock star, in every sense of the word. They’ll absolutely LOVE that you’re putting in the time to buy a costume from the Halloween store for a quick laugh! It shows dedication and humor. That’ll show them that you’re the ideal candidate. 

Surprise the Hiring Manager!

Everybody loves surprises, especially hiring managers, whose lives are so boring and mundane they have to drag the process out by several weeks just for a quick thrill! Companies love to talk about how we’re all one big family! Well, what says family like showing up to their house for a surprise visit? Just surprise her when she comes home from a long day out. You’ll even do her a favor and break those pesky, old locks on her door to get in. But again, we’re family, so it’s fine! You brought a pie from the local farmer’s market! How thoughtful is that? 

Lie.

Do it. Lie. Lie about your job, lie about your experience, lie about why you want the job. Just do it. It shows you’re a team player. If the team needs someone to bite the bullet, you’ll do it. Lie convincingly, or lie unconvincingly, and when you get caught, just tell them you lied to show how dedicated you are. “You need me to talk to the Feds while you hide a body??? I’ll do it! I’ll fucking do it as many times as you need! Just gimme the damn job, Janice! I love this company!”

And that last part is, of course, a lie. You just want the money.

Kidnap a Child

Preferably a relative of the hiring manager, but the point still stands. Do it quickly, and do it before your final interview. As a last surprise to really spice things up. The hiring manager will be so shocked and amazed at your dedication to the company when you tell her that her 5-year-old daughter Charlotte is locked in a warehouse somewhere. She’ll be so happy to know that she’s safe and in good hands and that hiring you is a great way to keep it that way. 

With this neat little trick, you’ll be a shoo-in for the dream job you’ve always wanted.

And finally when all else fails…

Take Rejection Gracefully

If all else fails and they truly have to hire someone other than you, take it as well as you can. Nobody likes a sore loser, especially not hiring managers. So if you find that you’re not what they’re looking for, give a nice reply and tell them that you’ll keep an eye out for any other positions that may open up with the company. You’ll be watching. All day. Every day. On Chrome, on Firefox, from behind the CEO’s office window. You’ll be there. Ready to pounce when the moment is right. And even if the moment isn’t right, you’ll pounce anyway because you are a hard worker who will do ANYTHING TO LAND THIS JOB (once you get out of jail for kidnapping that is).