New Crisis: We Are Running Out of Golf Courses in The Desert

Fellow patriots, we are at a crossroads I never thought possible in our lifetime. As the American West gets hotter and drier every single year, we are seeing our way of life being threatened. You know what I’m talking about; the glorious golf courses that we have erected in the desert are quickly disappearing. I honestly have trouble holding back tears thinking about all the golf I didn’t and soon won’t be able to play in Death Valley.

But I’m sorry to report that the (real) fascists who hate us and our culture who work at the Colorado River Water Conservation Society are telling us that we are “wasting huge amounts of water every single year for the dumbest reason possible.” I mean who are they to tell us what’s dumb. You know what’s REALLY dumb? Caring about how much water you use.

We all know water is an abundant resource that isn’t going anywhere. That’s why so many venture capitalists are looking into buying up and privatizing reservoirs! But I don’t want to talk about my friends’ business ventures. The point is, I live in Simi Valley, and if I can’t play golf HERE, where exactly can I do it? Are you telling me they can grow vegetables here, but I can’t golf?

I mean me and the corpse of David Koch can’t exactly get on a plane and go play golf in some wet, humid state. We want to play golf in California and Arizona, states that were given to us by God to turn into golf courses and exclusive country clubs. That’s all that land is for, what else are we supposed to do with all that land once it becomes un-golfable? Turn it into affordable housing? I mean just look at Venezuela if you think THAT’S a good idea. We need to do something patriots, every day the amount of desert golf courses is decreasing and our current dictator, Gavin Newsom, isn’t doing anything to help our community! It’s time for us to speak up!!!