OPINION: If Obama Can Throw a Massive Birthday Party During a Pandemic, How Come Nobody Showed Up to Mine?

First the Dijon mustard, then the tan suit, and now this?! Recently, Barack Obama, the literal antichrist, announced he will be throwing a 60th birthday bash consisting of 475 guests and 200 staff members in his home in Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts, shortly after Provincetown, Massachusetts, brought back mask-requirements for vaccinated people. Incidents like these perfectly demonstrate the hypocritical and duplicitous nature of the left. When they have birthday parties, they host massive gatherings without an ounce of care for Covid safety, when my birthday rolls around, nobody bothers to show up.

Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about my 38th birthday party I threw last month. Remember? When I mentioned it at work, you told me you couldn’t go because you were concerned about “covid safety.” Well guess what: I had to get drunk at Dave and Busters all by myself, because apparently everyone was worried about covid “safety.” Well, it’s pretty obvious not too many people cared about it after all, now that I see 475 are showing up to Obama’s thing.

George Clooney is also supposed to attend this star-studded event. Reading this really hurt my feelings, because when I called up his assistant and asked if he wanted to celebrate my 38th with some bud light and arcade games, she told me, “please stop bothering Mr. Clooney or I’ll have to file a restraining order,” so I naturally assumed Clooney just a bit of a germaphobe and wanted to play it safe. But now I see this! Fuck you, George! Enjoy doing body shots off of Amal’s taint while Barack tells you about how that water he drank in Flint was actually Evian!

Also if there were 500 people invited, how come I wasn’t invited? Well, clearly the left are all a bunch of fucking hypocrites. I mean, what’s not to like about me? I can deadlift 150 lbs! I’ve eaten a whole lobster without paying for it! I did Brendan Fraiser’s makeup for Looney Toons: Back in Action! What does former President and total hunk, Barack Obama, have that I don’t have?!