Poll: 100% Of CEOs Agree That The Best Work Culture Strategy Is A Culture Of Fear

A recent poll of 16 CEOs from well-known companies shows that a "culture of fear" is agreed to be the best workplace culture strategy. The poll comes after efforts to bring people into the office post-Covid showed mixed results.

"It sucks having so few people in the office," one CEO said. "II used to tell my coworkers to be quiet and stop chit-chatting all the time. Now how am I supposed to do that when they're all working diligently at home?"

Those in the workforce have suggested that things like better pay and basic freedom may help motivate people to stick around in jobs longer, but 100% of CEOs disagree.

"We find a workplace is at its best when managers shift expectations at the drop of a hat," said another CEO. "Employees will put out their best output when reporting to 4 different people who all have different expectations. We find that burns them out quickly, but a high turnover rate is actually better for us, since most employees put in their best work during their first three months, before they grow to loath their jobs with every fiber of their being."

CEOs also report that workflow efficiency goes up by 8% when the boss randomly screams at interns for innocuous mistakes and drops by 12% when employees have longer than 15 minutes for lunch.

"Sometimes we like to fool them by putting in a ping pong table, and then immediately removing it the next day with no explanation," a third CEO said. "We find that making sure an employee can't settle into a routine keeps them dependant on you for stability, and therefore much more loyal."