Stop Making Our Youth Weak - Let Babies Sleep Outside

Inside: where weak little babies stay to eat applesauce and crap their pants because they don’t know a damn thing about life. 

Outside: where weak little babies stay to grow stronger and learn that the only way to make it in this world is to eat beef and crap in the toilet where poop belongs. 

America, we’ve got a real problem. A big one. A gigantic problem. One so big that when I look at it I call up my dad just to tell him what I saw. That’s how big this problem is. It’s so devistating that we need to act now before the very fabric of our culture is destroyed. 

What’s the problem? Simple, we’re letting babies sleep inside and, with each new generation, they become weaker and weaker until we’re nothing but a nation of weak babies. Why do we let them sleep inside? Experts will tell you something about how babies will die if they’re left outside. I disagree. You want the truth? Only the weak babies die, the strong ones survive and develop thick fur to protect against the cold. I have a degree in animal biology, I know what I’m talking about. 

You might think you’re a good parent by letting your child sleep inside, but you’re actually a bad parent. The same way a parent might invest in their child’s college fund, I invest in my child’s unstoppable fund. While your baby suckles at the teet of your wife, my child is foraging for truffles using nothing but vibration patterns in the soil. While your child sleeps snuggly in their crib, my child is snuggly up to the branch of a tree so the leopards don’t get them.

When the great war comes and our children face one another, my child will not hesitate to kill yours and that is the simple reason why I am right and you are wrong. So go ahead, let your kids sleep inside, let the weakness fester. In ten years you will all look back on this article and sob because you never took my advice and your child is now a slave to some apocalyptic wasteland raider.