Try to Cancel Me, Snowflake (Seriously, I Need the Attention)

You think you can cancel ME, punk? Do ya? You think you can be all woke and use your adorable little keyboard to tweet a bunch of stuff to get me canceled? Well, guess what? Guess WHAT?!? That’d be really cool, actually, please do that.

Getting cancelled sounds super fun. Like, yeah, it sucks for a second, but then a bunch of people just love you for no reason. Like that Shane Gillis guy? He said something racist about Chinese people or something and now he’s got a special. What did he say? What did he get fired from? Is he even funny? I don’t know! But he got canceled! So I love him now to OWN THE LIBS! And I want that for myself.

It’d be so sick if I got canceled. I’d go on TV and talk about woke people with Tucker Carlson. I’d get a book published, and I could call it something really cool, like Triggered. And I’d get to hang out and sip some beers with some of the real victims of cancel culture. Like Kevin Hart, and Angela Lansbury. The best.

Actually, can I give you a few suggestions? One time when I was sixteen, I tweeted ‘Do Asians see in widescreen?’ It only got two likes, but I think that’s solid ground. C’mon, I know you wanna throw that out there and tell people how racist I am! Get me fired from my job! I can claim unemployment that way! Just do it by Thursday. That way I can get fired on Friday and take a long weekend.

Or how about this? I can have one of those public meltdowns in a grocery store where I yell at a cashier about how the mentos are stale or something! I can even put on a wig and you can make it a Karen video! C’mon! I know you wanna! Help a guy out!

Whatever happens, just try and cancel me. And if you do, I promise I’ll be waiting. To thank you for it because that’d be super nice of you!