We Ranked The Halloween Candies Based On How Likely They Are To Feminize Your Son

It's Halloween, and you know what that means: all across the country, young boys are going to be consuming candy that will heighten their estrogen levels, destroy their psychic energy, and groom them into sissified femboys. Don't believe me? I don't give a shit, I don't have to prove anything to you.

I know people like to posture that Halloween is one of the "manly" holidays, full of bullying and egging and watching movies that women can't psychologically handle (really fucked up shit like Saw, or Saw 2). But at the heart of it is something far more sinister: the ingestion of candy. You shouldn't be surprised. They haven't been subtle. Even a quick scroll through the names of popular candies will yield girly sweet names that are practically screaming "THIS WILL TURN YOU INTO A SISSY". Not all candy is feminizing, of course. A respectable York after dinner or a nice Butterworth won't do much damage. But these six candies will yield grave danger to any young masculine lad. Keeping these following sweets out of his candy bag today just may keep him out of a chastity cage tomorrow.

6. Butterfingers

I know Bart Simpsons used to sell them, but remember, Bart Simpson was voiced by a lady, a lady who is probably a groomer. Butterfingers may be crunchy, but their sweet peanut-buttery flavor has enough estrogen in each bite to change your voice three octaves.

5. Nerds Rope

My two least favorite things--nerds and tools used in degenerate BDSM sessions. Put them together, and you've got the recipe for one messed-up kid. The introduction of something as serious as bondage to a child is absolutely the type of disgusting move Big Candy would pull though, as many other candies also resemble bdsm gear (Wonderballs look like ballgags and don't even get me started on Baby Bottle Pops)

4. Skittles

Fruity, and rainbow-colored, their slogan is literally "taste the rainbow". Can they say it any clearer for you? Next, they're going to be feeding kids candies that resemble the trans flag. Then NAMBLA flag colors. Then triangle candy. Then next thing you know, you're in the basement of Comet Ping-Pong to play their "special secret pinball machine." Their sickness knows no bounds!

3. Kit Kat

Give me a break! If you want your kid to be part of the "catgirl femboy army", then, by all means, break him off a piece of that indoctrination.

2. Snickers

A man should never snicker. A chortle, followed by life-threatening coughing? Maybe. But snickering should be relegated to Asian school girls and that stupid dog Mutley.

1. Sweet Tart

Please don't make me spell this one out for you.