Twenty Years Ago, I Left for Jupiter to Get More Stupider – Now My Space Colony Could Save Humanity

I can still hear their haunting refrain whenever I gaze at my planet’s 80 moons. 

We were just five years old. My skin was paper thin, and their voices were a sharp falsetto cutting me to the bone. I sat stunned on the tire swing, my head in my hands, as Janet Jankowski and Meghan Blunt skipped rope and howled interstellar insults. 

Harnessing the gusto of a hundred-mile-an-hour solar wind, they sang, “Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.”

I realized then my fate – it was written in the stars. I was duty-bound for space. 

On my 18th birthday, I joined a crew of motley men headed for the Gas Giant. Some people called us space cowboys. Others said it was a suicide ride. But they were wrong – we were heroes.

Twenty years ago, I left for Jupiter to get more stupider. But now I’m back, and it’s clear my space colony is our last shot at saving humanity.

Legend has it the girls went to college to get more knowledge. But judging by your islands composed entirely of trash, I’d say you probably went to Mars to get more candy bars. 

While I was busy building technology that sustains life in unhospitable conditions, you were busy eating Red Planet nougat. How’s that mallow taste, Janet? I hope you like it – that’s all the food left since the salmon got too spicy and the carrots grew teeth.

And my god – look what you did to the penguins. They’re hairless now and glow in the dark. I saw one smoking a clove cigarette outside the mall, and he offered to suck my dick for thirteen Dogecoins.

I think it’s time for you to leave.

I know you have absolutely no exit strategy. Well, besides that internet bookstore owner that wants to send you back to Mars. But how’d that go the first time? Oh, that’s right, you’re all a bunch of fuckingchocoholics.

Tell you what, I won’t even make you beg. Of course, you are all welcome on my space colony. I justhave one demand.

President Marjorie Taylor Greene must address the nation, unequivocally denouncing the claim that boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Then she will lead the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in a new rendition that states, “Boys go to Jupiter to manipulate sulfur into renewable energy sources.” 

They sing it, and I’ll save your life and the lives of everyone you love. No song, and I’m on the next Virgin Galactic flight outta here.