Archives

1/20/2023 by Caleb Townsend

Israel and Palestine Release Joint Statement Denouncing “Velma”

1/13/2023 by Fred Nelson

Financial Genius: This Man Saved $645,000 By Not Getting That Lump Checked Out

1/9/2023 by Ken Taro Ward

Adult Son Flattered You Think His Mom Can Afford House With A Basement

SAN DIEGO - In a heated debate that took place on Facebook deciding whether a hot dog is a type of sandwich or not, the name-hurling and insults came...

1/6/2023 by Erwin Feinberg

Silver Lining! Andrew Tate Happy That There Are No Women in Jail

It’s been a very difficult past two weeks for fans of the internet’s number one Bugatti driver, Andrew Tate. Last week, Tate posted the absolute most...

1/1/2023 by Brandon Puff

Looking Back: The Best And Worst Moments Of The Year That I Spent Drunk Driving

Life isn’t a journey, it’s a collection of journeys. Some are short, some are long, and some are over before they’re finished. The only thing that ma...

12/25/2022 by Brandon Puff

What To Say When Your Children Ask Why Santa Clause Did Nothing To Prevent 9/11

The holidays are always a strange time for people. Sure, there is joy and cheer and all those fuzzy feelings we love to experience but then the sadne...

12/24/2022 by Brandon Puff

Want To Make Your Christmas A Little More Fun This Year? Try Leaving Some Cocaine Out For Tim Allen On Christmas Eve

Christmas time is almost here which means stuffed stockings and lit fireplaces.  But what are we supposed to do if Christmas has become routine? Wha...

12/22/2022 by Brandon Puff

New Study Shows Nearly Sixty Three Percent Of All American Children Now Asking Santa To Bring Them Bulletproof Vests

A new independent study from The Santa Believers Of America (SBA) has determined that nearly sixty-three percent of all children in America are now a...

12/22/2022 by Elyza Halpern

Innovative Cultural Critic Concludes that Die Hard is a Christmas Movie

Redditor and self-proclaimed “evolved intellectual film analyst” u/moviepimpboss8008S, (also known as “USER BLOCKED” in the comments section of any D...

12/20/2022 by Brandon Puff

Insider Report Shows Nearly Fifty Percent Of Remaining Workforce At Twitter Being Used To Optimize Musk's Ego

In the weeks following Musk’s takeover of Twitter, droves of staff members have either quit or been fired. But what of the remaining workforce still ...

12/13/2022 by J.D. Lowe

What They Won't Tell You: Getting A Fuel Injector For Your Truck Makes Its Balls Fall Off

Those damned elitists are lying to you again! I’m going to tell you, right here and right now, what they should have been telling you for years, and ...

12/8/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

Wow, This Thirst Trap’s Political TikTok Has Me Rock Hard For Activism

I don’t like getting political on social media. I prefer using my screen time for keeping in touch with my family, owning the libs, and watching Velm...

12/6/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Opinion: If AI Art Takes Off Then Who Will Buy My BDSM-Themed Ratatouille Drawings?

12/2/2022 by Caleb Townsend

“My Spotify Listening Habits Are None Of Your Business” Says Loser Who Has Awful Taste In Music

Area Man Roger Sprague is standing up against the social pressures of Spotify Wrapped and proudly declaring that "my Spotify listening habits ar...

12/1/2022 by Fred Nelson

Trump Downplays Dinner With Fuentes and Kanye: “We Didn’t Even Get To Have Dessert”

11/29/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

I'd Like to Dedicate My Outrage Regarding Your Return Policy to the Memory of My Father

My dad never taught me how to throw a curveball, drive a stick shift, or speak Pig Latin. Any knowledge I gleaned from him came through observation. ...

11/22/2022 by Elyza Halpern

Soft On Crime? Biden Pardons Turkey

11/21/2022 by J.D. Lowe

So Far, So Good: How I'm Making It Through No NFT November

It’s that time of the year again. Men across the nation are challenged to let their facial hair grow wild, while also slamming out 50,000 words getti...

11/15/2022 by Brandon Puff

Gallagher’s Funeral Comes To A Tearful End As Mourners Watch His Head Get Crushed By Mallet

11/15/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Making Amends: Kanye Just Watched Don’t Mess with The Zohan

11/7/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

Twenty Years Ago, I Left for Jupiter to Get More Stupider – Now My Space Colony Could Save Humanity

I can still hear their haunting refrain whenever I gaze at my planet’s 80 moons.  We were just five years old. My skin was paper thin, and their voi...

11/7/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Centrist Fills in Half of Circle on Midterm Ballot

Today are the midterms, or as we are referring to it here at the ManFacts HQ, the latest illegitimate attempt to take away our flamethrowers. The big...

11/4/2022 by Fred Nelson

Debt Forgiveness? This Landlord Forgave The Deposit He Owes You

10/31/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

Halloween Costume? Don’t Need One, I’m Already Dressed as the Devil’s Advocate

Good luck rummaging through the dregs of that old Super K-Mart turned Spirit Halloween mega-store. While you’re busy sifting through sultry swashbuck...

10/26/2022 by Caleb Townsend

We Ranked The Halloween Candies Based On How Likely They Are To Feminize Your Son

It's Halloween, and you know what that means: all across the country, young boys are going to be consuming candy that will heighten their estroge...

10/24/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Opinion: It’s Not a Racist Costume, This Is Just How I Dress

I know what you're going to say: "my culture is not your costume." Well guess what, this isn't a costume, and I'm tired of you ...

10/19/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Nation Sighs In Relief As Kanye Lowers Threat Level Against Jews To “Deathcon 4”

10/17/2022 by Elyza Halpern

A Recap Of Ian's Week of Devastation in Florida. No, Not The Hurricane, Just My Drunk Cousin Who Lives In Tampa

10/13/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Stoners Beware: Kids Are Putting Candy In Your Drugs

Stoners are up in arms as reports come in that kids are putting candy in their weed this Halloween. "Is nothing sacred," asked one stoner...

10/13/2022 by Brandon Puff

OPINION: If Bigfoot Hunting Is So ‘Childish’ Then Why Have So Many Children Died Doing It?

Over the years I’ve taken plenty of flak from critics about my passion for hunting Bigfoot. To them, the act of hunting a creature that might not be ...

10/11/2022 by Brandon Puff

Why I Left Behind The Life Of Hedge Fund Management To Pursue My True Passion Of Bigfoot Hunting

Life is a strange thing, you never know where it will take you. One moment you’re crunching numbers for the big wigs on Wallstreet and then the next ...

10/10/2022 by Fred Nelson

Man Believes In Bigfoot But Not Female Orgasm

10/10/2022 by Caleb Townsend

If Bigfoot Isn’t Real Then Why Did We Write So Many Articles About Him Last Week?

So, you think Bigfoot is fake, huh? Wanna bet? Because I have it on good authority that it's real. For example, if Bigfoot is fake, then explai...

10/7/2022 by Caleb Townsend

We Asked A Man On Meth If He Believes In Bigfoot And He Stole My Wallet

As a journalist, I am bound to a few simple rules: always get the interview and always find the truth. Well, today it seems the truth found me, becau...

10/6/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Bigfoot Or Sasquatch? My Wife Doesn’t Care, She Just Wants Me To Pick Up Our Son From Soccer

Bigfoot or Sasquatch? It's an age-old question, one my wife didn't seem to care about. "Look, just pick up Brett from soccer practice to...

10/5/2022 by Brandon Puff

OPINION: If Bigfoot Hunting Is So ‘Childish’ Then Why Have So Many Children Died Doing It?

Over the years I’ve taken plenty of flak from critics about my passion for hunting Bigfoot. To them, the act of hunting a creature that might not be ...

10/2/2022 by Brandon Puff

5 Reasons Why My Lifelong Pursuit Of Bigfoot Isn’t A Waste Of Time And Resources

  1. It Keeps Me Grounded Let’s be honest here for a moment, a guy like me is the type of person that needs a passion to pursue. Sure, you could sa...

10/2/2022 by Brandon Puff

4 Times I Thought I Saw Bigfoot But It Was Just A Corpse

1. The Time I Thought Bigfoot Was Taking A Nap But It Was Just A Man Laying On The Ground Dead   It was a nice Summer evening in the forest, I had ...

9/29/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

Mispronouncing Beige at a Dinner Party Cost Me Everything

I lost everything. My kids. My career. My commemorative fast food cup collection. I’ve got nothing left. My life is a fiery car crash. And it’s all ...

9/29/2022 by Brandon Puff

The Secret To Pleasuring Women? Never Interacting With Them

Since the dawn of time, men have sought after women, trying their best to sway them with charm, athletics, status, and power. Well, I’m here today to...

9/26/2022 by Brandon Puff

Netflix Shuts Down Streaming Service Until You Get Yourself A Hobby

The world looks on in fear and awe as for the first time in its history, Netflix has purposefully shut down its streaming service until you can get ...

9/22/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

I Transformed From Grower to Shower Using the Metric System

The world has become a treacherous place for men. There’s the rise of cancel culture, the responsibility of governing women’s bodies, and the daily g...

9/21/2022 by Fred Nelson

Responsible Friend Only Does Other People's Cocaine

9/20/2022 by Dave Ruff , Caleb Townsend

Opinion: It's Not Cheating. It's Quiet Dumping

I'm doing a new thing I've heard about on TikTok. No, it's not choking myself with cinnamon, or doxxing my nephew. It's called Quiet ...

9/19/2022 by Brandon Puff

Does Torture Work? This Torture Expert We Talked To Really Hopes So

An important question is rising to the surface once again. All over the country, men, women, and children are wondering if torture actually works. Wh...

9/12/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Polyamorous Quintuple Struggles To Decide Where To Eat

A local polyamorous quintuple had reportedly been sitting in the parking lot of a grocery store for 3 hours, struggling to decide where to eat. The...

9/11/2022 by Brandon Puff

Several Months Later Americans Wonder If It Was Really Necessary For Will Smith To Hit His Children So Hard At The Oscars After Party?

We’ve all had time to heal from the events that we witnessed at the most recent Oscars award show, and now that we have it’s time to ask if Will Smit...

9/9/2022 by Fred Nelson

Biden Releases Heartfelt Statement In Response To Queen Victoria's Death

9/8/2022 by Brandon Puff

Did I Get Really High Before Writing This Article: Absolutely Not, This Is A Perfectly Normal Article

Hello there reader and welcome to the article that I am writing now while being completely sober and not high even a little. It is an interesting ex...

9/7/2022 by Caleb Townsend

5 Andrew Tate Quotes Guaranteed To Get You Out Of Jury Duty

So, you've got Jury Duty, huh? I've had Jury Duty a few times in my day. Luckily, I've always known how to get out of it. There are speci...

9/5/2022 by Brandon Puff

San Francisco To Begin New Program Aimed At Hiding All The Homeless Behind Really Big Bushes

Unprecedented problems require unprecedented solutions and the local government of San Francisco is taking the bold step of installing giant bushes t...

9/5/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Labor Day Gone Woke? Democrats Are Trying to Make It About ‘Celebrating the Working Class'

Well, guys, it’s happened again; the woke mob has desecrated another sacred American tradition with their Marxist ideological poisoning. I am of cour...

9/2/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Alex Jones Gives Grave Message: “This Country Is Doomed Unless Everyone Buys My New Book”

9/2/2022 by Brandon Puff

Are Modern Men More Lonely Than Ever Before? I Mean, This Study Says So But I Feel Perfectly Fine

Are modern men more lonely? According to a recent study, the answer is yes, but if I’m being honest I don’t feel lonely at all. Apparently, the exper...

8/31/2022 by Fred Nelson

OPINION: Skipping Your Child Support Payments Is The New Punk Rock

With all these kids today claiming to be into punk music, I think it's really important we realize what truly defines punk not just as a genre, b...

8/30/2022 by Caleb Townsend

5 Recipes To Use Up All The Relish In Your Fridge

If you're anything like me, you live in a one-bedroom apartment with a mattress directly on the floor and your fridge is almost exclusively fille...

8/27/2022 by Fred Nelson

Trojan To Release New Family-Sized Box of Condoms

8/25/2022 by Brandon Puff

Slightly Poor Weather Leaves Thousands Of Wimps Stuck Indoors

Weather report! Weather report! Weather report!  Guess what? The weather is slightly bad right now so a bunch of noodle bone wimps are stuck inside....

8/23/2022 by Brandon Puff

How To Protect Your Family From Their Greatest Threat: Yourself

There’s nothing more precious to a man than his family. it’s the reason we get up in the morning, it’s the reason we go to work, it’s the reason we d...

8/23/2022 by Caleb Townsend

HBO Max Revels 5-Year-Plan To Completely Erase Their Entire Library

HBO Max has announced a five-year plan to completely erase their entire library forever. The news comes in the wake of a new merger, under the umbrel...

8/22/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Universal Invests In Mama Mia Cinematic Universe, To Produce 19 Musicals Only Featuring ABBA Songs

8/18/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Local Movie Theater Promises Amazing Industry Connections Selling Popcorn

A local movie theater in Fairfield, Conneticut is offering teenagers job opportunities with connections to the film industry, according to an ad from...

8/17/2022 by Brandon Puff

Modern Warrior Receives Viking Funeral After Overdosing On Alpha Brain

OHIO - Earlier this week, a man representing the modern-day image of a warrior king died tragically after overdosing on Alpha Brain. His name was Ale...

8/15/2022 by Brandon Puff

Five Of The Hottest Speakeasy Abortion Clinics Coming To A Neighborhood Near You

With recent changes in abortion laws, entrepreneurs all across America are working hard to keep access to safe abortions cool and trendy. There's...

8/12/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Poll: 100% Of CEOs Agree That The Best Work Culture Strategy Is A Culture Of Fear

A recent poll of 16 CEOs from well-known companies shows that a "culture of fear" is agreed to be the best workplace culture strategy. The ...

8/11/2022 by Brandon Puff

How I Transformed My A Failing Company Into One That Was Completely Bankrupt In Less Than A Year

In just one year, I was able to take a failing business and transform it into one that went completely bankrupt. How did I do it? What’s my secret? W...

8/10/2022 by Caleb Townsend , Fred Nelson

Trump Supporters Burn Their Female Body Inspector T-Shirts In Protest

A group of Trump supporters are taking to the streets to protest the FBI raid of former president Trump by burning their Female Body Inspector shirts...

8/9/2022 by Fred Nelson

Man With Imposter Syndrome Parks In Handicap Parking Spot

GREENVILLE, NC - College Admissions Officer, Daniel Hasancaamp tried something for the first time when popping into a local Starbucks to grab a cup o...

8/5/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Alex Jones Ordered By Judges To Stop Pitching Alpha Brain Plus During His Testimony

Judges have ordered Alex Jones to stop promoting his brain supplement, Alpha Brain Plus, while giving his testimony in a defamation trial that may je...

8/3/2022 by Brandon Puff

Time For Honesty: There’s A Kid Leaning On The Railing At The Zoo And I Hope He Falls In

I've been silent long enough, it's time for me to open my heart and admit that I want the child leaning on the railing at the zoo to fall in....

8/2/2022 by Ken Taro Ward

Hypocritical Librarian Judges Music by Album Cover

MINNEAPOLIS – A woman working at a library was caught breaking one of the golden rules of artistry she had been preaching for decades: never judge a ...

8/1/2022 by Fred Nelson , Caleb Townsend

Top Five Cutest Child Stars Of The 90s And The Horrific Ways Each Of Them Died

Ahh, the 90s, the age of economic prosperity and oak-covered kitchens. What a time to grow up. We could look on the TV and see childeren, just like u...

7/29/2022 by Brandon Puff

Leaked CIA Documents Reveal Former Director For The Agency Used To Steal Lunches From The Break Room

Newly leaked CIA documents reveal that former Director Helms was behind a string of missing lunches between 1966 and 1973. Although it is unclear whe...

7/28/2022 by Brandon Puff

Watch Out Atheists - A Big Fat Fossilized Turd Was Just Found In Jerusalem And The Science Says It Belongs To Jesus

Move over you big-brain atheists, science just found a big turd in Jerusalem and it belongs to Jesus. Feel smart still? Feel like you’ve got all the ...

7/27/2022 by Brandon Puff

Whoops: America Sent China Nearly 30 Billion In Military Aid And Now We Need To Ask For It Back

America finds itself in an awkward position after State officials accidentally sent China nearly 30 billion dollars worth of military aid. The embarr...

7/26/2022 by Elyza Halpern

How To Detox from Social Media by Getting Really Into Cocaine

If your screen time has gotten out of control and you’re looking for an all-natural, plant-based alternative to the doom-scroll dopamine hits, look n...

7/25/2022 by Ken Taro Ward

Male Employee Orders Female Employee to Clean Glass Ceiling

NEW YORK – A man working at an advertising agency got a little more than he bargained for after attempting to make a joke at a female coworker’s expe...

7/22/2022 by Brandon Puff

CEOs Everywhere Demand Workers Return To The Office Because They Are Extremely Lonely Without Them

CEOs all across the country have begun demanding their employees return to the office so they aren’t so lonely all day long. While remote work has be...

7/20/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Democrats Give Message To Those Affected By New Voting Restrictions: 'Vote Harder'

As new state-specific voting restrictions are coming into effect, democrats are giving a message to those who may be affected by these changes: vote ...

7/19/2022 by Brandon Puff

My Truth: I Vaccinated My Children And Three Months Later I Drowned Them

Being a parent is tough, especially if you're a mom who worries about her children. When the COVID-19 Vaccine started to get pushed onto everyone...

7/18/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Media Disappointed To Find Out New Mass Shooter's Politics Are 'Down The Center'

Media outlets around the world are scrambling to find an angle on the newest mass shooting, as many outlets are reportedly upset that the shooter&#39...

7/16/2022 by Fred Nelson

Feel Old Yet? Scientists Lower The Predicted Life Expectancy To 58

7/15/2022 by Fred Nelson

Boss Of The Year? This Manager Threw A Farewell Pizza Party For All The Employees He Laid Off

BOISE, IA- Regional Sales Manager, Tom Leonard, went above and beyond his job description to make his company's work environment extra special fo...

7/14/2022 by Brandon Puff

We Programmed This AI To Develop A Cure For Cancer But It Wrote Another Season Of Seinfeld Instead

Well, we kind of messed up here. Our team is made up of some pretty intelligent people - but we really dropped the ball when we created this AI. It w...

7/13/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

“You Could NEVER Make This Today,” Says Man Showing You Video of ISIS Beheading

Cancel culture strikes again folks! This time, it has once again come for the most sacred of our institutions: online videos. I know we all thought t...

7/11/2022 by Brandon Puff

Elon Musk Backs Out Of Shared Custody Deal

Leaked court documents show that Elon Musk has backed out of a shared custody deal that would have allowed him to see his children more often. The do...

7/9/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Self Proclaimed ‘Jack Of All Trades’ Is Still Working At The Grocery Store

7/6/2022 by Brandon Puff

Steven Crowder Begins Debating Wife On The Definition Of ‘Cheating’

Political talking piece and conservative YouTube star Steven Crowder took to his podcast to have an in-depth discussion about the definition of cheat...

7/6/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Top 5 Movies Of All Time and Why All of Them Are Fight Club

It’s summertime dudes, and you know what that means! You are going to the movies to catch some of this year’s best blockbusters. Whether you’re going...

7/5/2022 by Brandon Puff

I’ve Got A Safe Space Alright, It’s At The Bottom Of This Whiskey Bottle

All I ever hear about nowadays is how these sensitive ass kids need a safe space at their colleges and workplaces. Well listen up you little spaghett...

7/4/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Dad Asserts His Dominance By Bringing His Own Grill To The Barbecue

Controversy struck a local barbeque this Fourth of July as James Westover decided he couldn't stand by as the host grilled his own food. Fancying...

7/1/2022 by Brandon Puff

How Going To A Punk Concert In My Late Thirties Taught Me To Hate My Lame Ass Parents

As you get older, you start looking back on your life and wondering what you could have done differently with the time you were given. When I was you...

6/30/2022 by Fred Nelson

Guy Who Disagrees With You Obviously Hasn't Seen That One South Park Episode

It's happening again. You're in line at the Starbucks and somehow basic small talk with a stranger has, yet again, drifted towards who should...

6/29/2022 by Brandon Puff

Economic Experts Advise Americans Not To Panic Until Their Doomsday Bunkers Are Finished

Financial experts from every sector of the economy have begun advising Americans not to panic, at least until their doomsday bunkers are done. Althou...

6/28/2022 by Brandon Puff

Unpublished Tolkien Writings Reveal Frodo Touched Himself Every Night During His Journey To Mordor

Tolkien fans rejoice as newly unearthed writings from the author himself reveal that during the trip to Mordor, Frodo touched himself every single ni...

6/27/2022 by Erwin Feinberg , Caleb Townsend

5 Jokes My Girlfriend Won’t Let Me Tell - But You’re Cool, Right?

Hey dude, I just got done fightin' with the ol’ ball and chain. God, women can be so on top of you sometimes, and not in a hot, “almost have sex ...

6/23/2022 by Caleb Townsend

CENSORSHIP? I Was Banned From My Local Library For Exposing Myself

Look, I know I say this a lot. Almost daily. But I really am being censored this time, and this time it's from the last bastion of free speech - ...

6/21/2022 by Brandon Puff

Climate Scientists Warn Meat Consumption Must Be Brought Down By 70% Or We Will Need To Brace For More Diarrhea

Climate scientists from all around the world say that, if we don't stop eating meat as a species, we're going to find ourselves riding the di...

6/20/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Oh God, I Forgot To Call Dad Yesterday For Juneteenth

Oh God, he's gonna be so mad. I promised him I wouldn't miss it this year, but once again, I forgot to call my dad on Juneteenth. "What,...

6/18/2022 by Fred Nelson

Tesla Rolls Out New Self-Crashing Feature

6/17/2022 by Caleb Townsend

National Parks Display Rainbow after Thunderstorm In Shameless Pride Month Promotion

California, Yosemite -- Big National is at it again. This weekend I was at Yosemite National Park trying to enjoy a weekend with my family. We were...

6/16/2022 by Editorial Staff

HYPOCRITE: So-called, 'Infectious Disease Doctor,' Gets Infectious Disease

Washington D.C. – Well, well, well... After years of begging everyone to “wear masks”, “social distance”, and “not spit into your children's mo...

6/15/2022 by Brandon Puff

Anchor Baby? This Immigrant Mother Gave Birth To A Ten Thousand Pound Child

A hospital in San Antonio Texas has reported that over the weekend an immigrant mother gave birth to a child weighing roughly ten thousand pounds. Me...

6/14/2022 by Fred Nelson

How Come Everyone's Talking About Jan 6 But Not April 18 (My Birthday)

Last year, on January 6, we witnessed a group of people storm the United States capitol in an attempt to upend the results of an election. Over a ye...

6/13/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Conservatives Warn Drag Shows Are Grooming Kids To Become Lady Gaga Fans

As Pride Month kicks off, conservatives are sounding the alarm about children at drag shows, noting that taking your kids is essentially grooming the...

6/10/2022 by Brandon Puff

Man Pulled Over For Traffic Stop Unaware He Is About To Commit Suicide By Cop

An unidentified man from Georgia was pulled over earlier today and has no idea that he will soon commit suicide by cop. What started off as a routine...

6/9/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Brett Kavanaugh: “Americans Should Be Able to Carry A Gun Anywhere They Want, Except In My House”

My fellow Americans, Wazzup!!! It’s me, Brett Kavanaugh, the Supreme Court justice who, like my man Johnny Depp, beat the allegations against me l...

6/7/2022 by Fred Nelson

How To Nail Your Scarface Impression For That Big Job Interview

It's universally known that confidence is key for landing an offer in any job interview setting. Who's the most confident character and, ther...

6/6/2022 by Brandon Puff

Ten Pokemon That Your Son Is Allowed To Like While Maintaining His Masculinity

Drugs, guns and bullies, these are the things you’ve been brainwashed to be afraid of in your child's life. Little do people realize, there are a...

6/3/2022 by Brandon Puff

Report: Genocidal Warlord Can’t Continue His Onslaught Without Having Morning Coffee

Based on recently gathered information, it has been confirmed that infamous warlord Borya Nikitin has stopped his genocidal campaign until someone ca...

6/2/2022 by Caleb Townsend

TRAGIC: Man Has To Find A New Show To Watch As Depp Trial Comes To A Close

Tragedy struck today as Nevin See is faced with the hardest decision of his life - finding a new form of entertainment in lieu of watching the Depp-H...

6/1/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Man Devoured After Attempting To Live With Lions In Celebration Of Pride Month

Cincinnati, OH (ManFacts) -- Gregory Miller was devoured today after attempting to live with lions in celebration of pride month. “He always love...

5/31/2022 by Brandon Puff

What's Next For Kanye? Friends Close To Him Say An Album Dedicated To Leonard Nimoy For Some Reason

Despite recent turmoil within the rapper’s life, friends close to him say that he will begin working on a new album dedicated to the late Star Trek a...

5/30/2022 by Fred Nelson

"Respect Our Fallen Heroes," Says Man Who Thought Today Was Labor Day Until 20 Minutes Ago

5/30/2022 by Caleb Townsend , Fred Nelson

Man Celebrates Memorial Day By Getting So Drunk He Can't Remember The Night Before

5/28/2022 by Caleb Townsend

FINALLY: Congress Comes Together To Put Restrictions On Depp-Heard Trial

5/27/2022 by Fred Nelson

OPINION: The Only Thing That Can Stop A Bad Guy With A Gun Is A Good Guy With A Gun Sheepishly Standing Outside

After 27 school shootings in 2022, alone, many Americans believe that we, as a society need to make some sort of major change to prevent this from ha...

5/26/2022 by Andrew K.

Comedian at Open Mic Shocked He Can't Get Applause For Just Going on Stage and Listing Slurs

SYRACUSE, NY—Comedian, Mike S, sighed and wiped the sweat off his brow. He made eye contact with the bartender and gave her a knowing nod. She respon...

5/25/2022 by Brandon Puff

Dude… What If The Entirety Of This Universe Was Contained Within This Single-Article?

Think about it man, the universe is this massively infinite space in which we exist, but what if it was all contained within this article that I’m wr...

5/24/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Infant Shortage Strikes Just As Baby Formula Shortage Resolves Itself

As the national shortage of baby formula shortage begins to resolve itself, the FDA is now warning of a new problem - an impending infant shortage. ...

5/23/2022 by Brandon Puff

Elon Musk Set To Become First Sex Offender On Mars

Famed entrepreneur and businessman, Elon Musk, is set to continue his legacy of doing the impossible by becoming the first sex offender on Mars. This...

5/21/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Elon Musk Cleared Of Sexual Misconduct Allegations After Presenting A Written Statement With Laugh Emojis

5/18/2022 by Brandon Puff

Ancient Evil Awakens, Hits Snooze Button

An ancient evil long slumbering in the depths of Earth finally awoke yesterday, only to immediately hit the snooze button on its alarm so it could sl...

5/17/2022 by Caleb Townsend

5 Alvin And The Chipmunks Songs To Get Her In The Mood

Music is natures aphrodisiac. I heard that once in a Blondie cartoon strip. But it’s true. If you’re trying to get to know a woman “biblically”, ther...

5/16/2022 by Brandon Puff

Breaking: Aging Celebrity You Assumed Was Dead Is Now Actually Dead

All of Hollywood mourns today for the loss of one of its best actors, John Lagmer, a man we all assumed had died a long time ago. While some people g...

5/12/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Ted Cruz Deters Protestors Outside His Home By Standing At Window Naked

Washington D.C., (ManFacts) -- As protestors flock to Brett Kavanaugh's house to protest the overturning of Roe V. Wade, Ted Cruz is attempting...

5/11/2022 by Brandon Puff

New Jersey Set To Become First State To Legalize Quoting The Sopranos In Public

A new law expected to pass in New Jersey seeks to legalize the public act of quoting The Sopranos while within public spaces. While New Jersey reside...

5/10/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Help! I Bought a Bored Ape and All He Does is Defecate All Over My Couch

NFTs: They are the future! No question about it in my mind. I’ve always been early to the latest trends in business. Google Glass? I invested early. ...

5/7/2022 by Fred Nelson

SEX! Now That I've Got Your Attention, Get Your Tickets To Live Sex Shows In Your Area!

5/6/2022 by Fred Nelson

Man Regrets Eating Five Jars Of Mayonnaise For 'Cinco De Mayo'

5/5/2022 by Brandon Puff

Real-Life Good Will Hunting? This University Janitor Gets Into Bar Fights Almost Every Night

A Boston-based janitor is making headlines for his uncanny similarities to the fictional character, Will Hunting, specifically the character’s tenden...

5/4/2022 by Dave Ruff

What’s The Big Deal With The Roe V Wade Vote? Says Man That Will Never EVER Get A Woman Pregnant

Ted Shar, aka LordFeathertone42069, is a 37-year-old white male currently living alone in an apartment eclectically decorated with damp towels and ke...

5/3/2022 by Brian Beuche

BREAKING: Federal Judge Orders Trump Do Some Nonsense Yada Yada January 6 Whatever

A Federal Judge on Sunday ordered former President, Donald Trump, to do some new thing about the January 6 investigation or something. This comes on ...

5/2/2022 by Caleb Townsend

EXCLUSIVE: Guy Who Skimmed One Article Reveals “Everything He Knows” About The Depp Trials

Major revelations in the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial come in the form of testimony from one significant individual who’s cracked the case by skimmi...

4/30/2022 by Fred Nelson

BREAKING: My Tailbone

4/29/2022 by Brandon Puff

So You Wish To Own This Honda Accord Two Thousand And Three? Then Your Firstborn Child You Must Promise To Me (Guest Article By Used Car Salesman Witch)

Welcome weary internet traveler, thou hast been browsing many a web page in search of opulent transportation have thou not?   Well, I have for you q...

4/28/2022 by Caleb Townsend

"The Media is Really Messing Kids Up," Says Man Who Makes His Children Watch Saving Private Ryan Yearly

Pocahontas, WV (ManFacts) – Emphasizing that media outlets like Netflix and Disney are corrupting children with disturbing messages of homosexualit...

4/27/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Elon Musk Buys Twitter, Vowing to Rule it Like a South African Emerald Mine

Well, my fellow free-speech defenders, it finally happened. Twitter has proven to be no match for billionaire and defender of the rights of every man...

4/25/2022 by Brandon Puff

From Fat To Fit: How I Lost Nearly Two Hundred Pounds By Getting A Massive Brain Tumor Removed

As a child I was always in the best of shape, I would walk, run and swim with my friends every single day. Then, in my early twenties, a massive tumo...

4/22/2022 by Brandon Puff

Jeff Bezos Announces Amazon Will Begin Outsourcing Worker's Suicidal Thoughts Starting Early 2023

In a board member meeting, earlier this Sunday, CEO and founder of Amazon Jeff Bezos announced the company would begin outsourcing suicidal thoughts ...

4/20/2022 by Caleb Townsend

WHO Urges Environmentally Conscious Individuals to Recycle Microplastics By Gathering Them In The Kidneys

Did you know the average American eats one credit card a week? No, I’m not talking about your cousin who got fired from My Strange Addictions for “be...

4/19/2022 by Brandon Puff

Friendly Man Goes Door To Door To Assure Neighbors He Is Not A Sex Offender

A friendly California man has started going door to door to introduce himself and reassure his neighbors that he is not a registered sex offender.  ...

4/18/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Petco Receives Backlash For Grooming Allegations

San Diego, CA (Man Facts) – A concentrated group of patriots are heading to San Diego today to protest Petco for their alleged grooming. The compan...

4/15/2022 by Brandon Puff

Report: Biden Said Something About Starting Nuclear Armageddon, We Weren’t Really Paying Attention

Earlier today, at one of those really boring press conferences, President Biden spoke at great length about something involving nuclear armageddon.  ...

4/14/2022 by Caleb Townsend

How To Fight Against The Deep State And Cancel Your Disney+ Subscription (With A Little Help From Your Grandson)

My fellow patriots, the time has come to rise up against the liberal pedophile elite. Disney has publically opposed the bill allowing teachers to sho...

4/13/2022 by Brandon Puff

Hey Sherlock! Here's A Deduction! You're A Nerd Who Doesn't Get Laid

Well, what do we have here? Looks like it's a big nerd with a big brain snooping about for information. There sure is lots to deduce isn’t there?...

4/12/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

"We're All Going to Get it Eventually," Says Man With Chlamydia

Over the last week, we have seen the number of infections begin to go up again and, like many of you out there, I as an alpha male am wondering “why ...

4/11/2022 by Brandon Puff

Amber Alert Issued For Child Whose Parents Aren't So Smug Now

Alderna County, CA (ManFacts) – An Amber Alert has been issued today for a child whose parents aren’t so smug anymore, are they? Michael and Jessi...

4/8/2022 by Brandon Puff

LAPD’s New Training Video Just VHS Copy Of Lethal Weapon 2

An internal investigation into the new training practices of the Los Angeles Police Department has revealed their instructional video is nothing but ...

4/7/2022 by Fred Nelson

5 Famous Quotes That Sound Like Something I Might Say

I've been told by a lot of people that I'm a very powerful speaker, usually after I ask them whether or not I'm a very powerful speaker. ...

4/6/2022 by Brandon Puff

What Does Bitcoin Taste Like? These Tech Experts Want Me To Stop Asking

It’s the question that absolutely nobody is asking, what does Bitcoin taste like? Despite my best efforts to find out, I have been blockaded at every...

4/5/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Local Father Repeats Ketchup Joke, Assured Waitress Will Laugh This Time

Farmville, Va (ManFacts) -- A local father is preparing to repeat a ketchup-related joke to the waitress when she comes back, assured she will laug...

4/4/2022 by Brandon Puff

Letting Go Of The Past: Why I Sold My High School Football Trophies To Pay For My Fentanyl Addiction

Ajhsfdddueeeeeeeeeeliwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagoivvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvueeeeeeeeeeeiojcx Even now, as I fade in and out of consciousness and collapse on my key...

4/2/2022 by Fred Nelson

HYPOCRITE: This Vegetarian Is Literally Made Of Meat

3/31/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Who Is Ketanji Brown Jackson? What’s Her Deal? Does She Like Beer?

Conservatives are spending yet another day in court asking Supreme Court nominee Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson questions to try to figure out who she i...

3/30/2022 by Brandon Puff

My Experience Tripping On Shitake Mushrooms In The Forests Of Colorado

In high school, I was always a bit of a bookworm. Just worming around from book to book, avoiding the girls, keeping away from the cool kids. It was ...

3/29/2022 by Morgan Lyons

Biden Offers A Trade With Russia To Leave Ukraine And Take New Jersey

WASHINGTON—President Biden announced today that he is in talks with NATO about offering a potential peace deal that will end the Russian war in Ukrai...

3/28/2022 by Brandon Puff

How Handguns Have Changed The Way People Are Playing Chess

Chess: a game of the mind and of willpower. Two intellects are pitted against one another in a battle of strategy that takes place of a checkered fie...

3/26/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Concerned Parents Upset After Viewing ‘Turning Red’: “How Am I Supposed To Explain 2000s Boy Bands To My Children?”

3/25/2022 by Andrew K.

Man Who Has Not Run Since Middle School Gym Class, Could End the War In Ukraine ‘With the Right Gear’

GARY, IN -- At the Southlake Mall, 32-year-old Raymond Clarke Jr, was spotted at Asian Promises — a store specializing in the sale of replica East ...

3/24/2022 by Brandon Puff

How Crossing My Legs Eventually Made My Penis Fall Off

Looking at me in the streets, you would have no hint of my secret. You would see a very handsome man, with an incredibly charming smile and the aura ...

3/23/2022 by Justin Avery Smith

Language Barrier Forms After Son Begins Quoting Drag Race to His Father

Local teenager, Roy Johnson got into a very public altercation with his father, Frank Johnson this weekend, when the conversation during family dinne...

3/22/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Netflix Tests New Feature That Will Raise Prices When You Have A Friend Over To Watch With You

Netflix will begin running tests this week to crack down on subscribers who are sharing their accounts, extending the definition of "sharing&quo...

3/21/2022 by Brandon Puff

Stop Making Our Youth Weak - Let Babies Sleep Outside

Inside: where weak little babies stay to eat applesauce and crap their pants because they don’t know a damn thing about life.  Outside: where we...

3/19/2022 by Fred Nelson

Inflatable Plastic Rat Manufacturers Union On Strike

3/18/2022 by Fred Nelson

Phew! This Guy Made Sure To Let Us Know He’s Not Racist

BURBANK, CA – After a heated debate about police reform, leasing manager, Greg Taylor felt the need to clear the air by informing his friend, as well...

3/17/2022 by Fred Nelson

War On Saint Patrick’s Day? This Cop Gave Me A DUI On My Way To Work

3/17/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Boston Residents Hold St. Patrick’s Day Brawl In The Streets In Solidarity With Ukraine

3/16/2022 by Caleb Townsend , Brandon Puff

Inspiring? Your High School Friend Who Dropped Out Of College Just Spent His Savings On An NFT

Lexington, VA. —  Despite never showing much potential in school, Lexington resident Leon James recently discovered that his ne’er-do-well high scho...

3/16/2022 by Brandon Puff

Living Off The Grid: How To Survive With Just A House, An Internet Connection And Modern Utilities

In these modern times, it’s easy to forget our primal roots and the ancient connection we had to the natural world. Long before we clocked in for our...

3/15/2022 by Caleb Townsend

My Wife Keeps Complaining About Inflation And Gas But She’s The One Who Keeps Feeding Me Burritos

These days, it’s nearly impossible to scroll Facebook without seeing a status about gas or inflation. Everywhere I look, people are complaining about...

3/14/2022 by Brandon Puff

Is He Gay? What It Means When Your Son Opens A Bakery With Their Loving Husband

Let me start off by saying, I’ve got nothing against gay people. I think they deserve the same love and respect we give to everybody. But if you’re a...

3/11/2022 by Fred Nelson

Send Me Your Social Security Number – And Other Tips For Becoming An Alpha Male

If there’s one thing we know in life, it’s that Betas fail and Alphas (as well as the rare Sigma) always prevail. But how does a puny little Beta ach...

3/10/2022 by Brandon Puff

Elon Musk Abandons Plans To Colonize Mars After Finding Out Tax Rates Are Higher There

With an announcement that has shocked both NASA and the scientific community at large, Elon Musk has declared that he and his company SpaceX will be ...

3/9/2022 by Caleb Townsend

17 Movies That Will Make You Say ‘There’s No Way I’m Reading This Entire Article’

Due to misuse of company funds, ManFacts has fired their writing entire staff. We now bring you an article from a person we found on Fivver hired to...

3/8/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

PornHub Bans Critical Race Theory From Schoolgirl Category

SILICONE VALLEY – Online pornography purveyor PornHub has made clear its position on Critical Race Theory, banning the curriculum entirely from their...

3/7/2022 by Brandon Puff

Study Finds STD Rate Amongst Elderly Directly Correlated To How Cool They Are

A new study released by the Journal Of Medicine shows that STD rates amongst the elderly have a direct correlation with how cool they are. This groun...

3/5/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Helpful Boyfriend Informs Girlfriend That Batman Is Bruce Wayne

3/4/2022 by Dave Ruff

GOP Unsure Who To Root For In Ukraine-Russian War Since Both Countries Are White

Conservatives all across the world are having trouble figuring out who to root for in the Ukrainian-Russian war. The news comes on the heels of CPAC,...

3/3/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Man Bravely Stands With US Sanctions, Takes Martini With Gin Instead Of Vodka

Following a series of sanctions targeting Russia’s economic sector, local man Justin is doing his part to condemn Putin’s invasion of Ukraine by drin...

3/2/2022 by Brandon Puff

Federal Government Approves Plan To Provide Teachers With Two Additional Pizza Parties Each Year

Teachers are the backbone of the educational system in America and as of late, we have been failing them massively. With reduced budgets, increased w...

3/1/2022 by Matt Hyams

ADVICE: Work Hard, Play Hard, Shit Hard

The saying, “work hard, play hard,” was invented for guys like me. I take it one step further. I don’t just work and play hard. I shit hard too. That...

2/28/2022 by Jimmy Pitts

California Lifts Mask Mandate Hoping to Capture Ghostface

SACRAMENTO – California Gov. Gavin Newsom announced on Monday that the state will lift its indoor mask mandate to help apprehend Ghostface, the prank...

2/28/2022 by Brandon Puff

Old Timey Cartoon With Racist Jokes Includes Disclaimer Explaining People Were “Cooler” Back Then

Delber & Dobbler Productions, a long forgotten cartoon company, has begun converting all their old cartoon film reels into digital format for vie...

2/26/2022 by Dave Ruff

OPINION: Stop What You’re Doing, Elon, And Give Us Yu-Gi-Oh Holograms!

The Yu-Gi-Oh franchise recently burst back into relevance with its latest release, Master Duels. A free-to-play online version of its famous trading ...

2/25/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Man Explains To Wife That He Was Too Distracted By Ukraine Invasion to Pick Son Up From School

This past Thursday, there was a standoff in the McBoile household in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Patriarch Danny McBoile promised his wife, Ellen DeGener...

2/24/2022 by Brandon Puff

Parents Terrified To Learn Daniel Day-Lewis Has Been Cast As A Pedophile In Upcoming Film

Parents across the country are terrified to learn that the notorious method actor Daniel Day-Lewis has been cast to play a pedophile in an upcoming f...

2/23/2022 by Fred Nelson

How This Whole Ukraine Thing Could Really Get You Laid

So, the news is in: Vladimir Putin, the ultimate alpha male, is sending troops into Ukraine. Biden, I’m pretty sure, is responding by going to war wi...

2/21/2022 by Caleb Townsend

5 Chain Restaurants Ranked By How Long It Took For Them To Kick Me Out

America is defined by a few precious principals that set us apart from every other country in the world. We’ve got the most freedom, the deadliest sc...

2/20/2022 by Editorial Staff

How Come Over 250 Million Americans Were Willing to Take The Vaccine But Nobody Will Read My Screenplay?

America, I got a bone to pick with you. As it stands, over 250 million Americans have taken the experimental vaccine, which libs promised will “end t...

2/18/2022 by Ken Taro Ward

Conservative Dad Has No Problem Acknowledging Pronouns of Boats and Cars

Clearfield, Va. – Todd Evans couldn’t wait to show his family the boat “Fancy Nancy” he bought with his tax refund, a Craigslist boat seller confirme...

2/16/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

BREAKING: Man Refuses to Put Down Half-Eaten Sandwich For Family Photo

Fellas, let me ask you a question; you ever eat a fucking incredible sandwich? No seriously, like, have you ever gotten a sandwich that was so good t...

2/16/2022 by Editorial Staff

Inflation Out of Control! The Price of Human Meat is Up For the First Time in 30 Years

We have all been feeling the pinch of inflation recently, you see it all around you. Empty shelves, overpriced Smash Mouth tickets, the list goes on ...

2/15/2022 by Brandon Puff

Queen Elizabeth Cuts Prince Andrew Off From Royal Adrenochrome Supply As Punishment For Recent Embarrassments

Reports are coming in that Queen Elizabeth has cut Prince Andrew off from the Royal adrenochrome supply to punish him for his recent embarrassments. ...

2/14/2022 by Caleb Townsend

ADVICE: So The Bengals Lost The Superbowl And You Broke Your TV In A Drunken Stupor

Good morning. How do you feel? Your head is probably pounding. Drink some water. Oh, your hand? Yeah, it’s pretty cut up. Oh, you don’t remember, do ...

2/11/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Man Bravely Continues Arguing After Learning That George Orwell Didn’t Write Idiocracy

BALTIMORE, MD-  After learning that George Orwell didn’t write Idiocracy, a local man, David Pavlina, is courageously plunging forward with his argu...

2/11/2022 by Brandon Puff

Man Arrested At Border Attempting To Smuggle In His Lame Personality

Bruce Brannon, 25, was arrested at the American and Canadian border for attempting to smuggle his lame personality into the United States. Brannon, a...

2/10/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Take Your Paleo Diet To The Next Level By Grunting and Throwing Your Feces At Strangers

The paleo diet. Also known as the caveman diet. To some, it’s simply a diet consisting of lean meats, fish, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds. A wa...

2/9/2022 by Editorial Staff

Everyone Is On Board With Forgiving Student Loan Debt, But No No One Will Forgive Me For Hitting That Kid With My Car

Ever since Joe Biden became president, there has been a lot of talk about forgiving student loan debt. Generally, most of the people I talk to seem t...

2/8/2022 by Caleb Townsend , Erwin Feinberg

5 Movies That Are So Good, She Will Fall Asleep

When you have your woman over, and you wanna impress her with your incredible taste, you might think to show her a movie. But which one? There are so...

2/7/2022 by Brandon Puff

How To Defend Yourself Against A Woman Trying To Get An Abortion

You’ve probably heard recently on the news that in Texas you can report a woman for getting an abortion after six weeks. This means that the era of t...

2/7/2022 by Brandon Puff

Jesus Returns To Earth To Retrieve Phone Charger He Left Behind

The world holds its breath following what might be the single most significant event in human history. Yesterday morning, above the streets of Los An...

2/6/2022 by Fred Nelson

Michael Richards Pulls Podcast From Spotify

2/5/2022 by Brandon Puff

A Win For Men? These Scientists Are Painting Hotrod Flames On Sperm Cells

Geneticists at The University Of Texas have stunned the scientific community by going above and beyond with their research and finding a way to add h...

2/5/2022 by Editorial Staff

I’m the Spotify Executive That Has No Idea What’s Happening, Could Someone Please Bring Me Up to Speed?

What I’ve gathered thus far is that Joe Rogan has something to do with it, and Neil Young or Neil Page is involved. And while everyone in the office ...

2/4/2022 by Fred Nelson

This Cologne Makes You Irresistible to Women…and Also Bees

2/3/2022 by Fred Nelson

‘People Who Get Their Opinions From Joe Rogan Are Stupid,’ Says Man Who Gets His Opinions From Even Dumber Podcast

2/2/2022 by Brandon Puff

Extra Extra! Read All About It! Digital Media Replaces The Need For Paper Boys!

Hey there folks! We have a story that will rock your socks and boil your teapot! The most recent reports from the Department Of Labor show that my on...

1/31/2022 by Fred Nelson

Top 5 Reasons Why You’re Exactly Like The Guy From That Movie

The minute you saw him through the flatscreen in your Freshman dorm, it was immediately clear the two of you were cut from the same cloth. You got th...

1/27/2022 by Scott Pinkerton

Woke Mob Gone Too Far? My Ancient Greek Reenactment Group Cancelled Me For Throwing A Baby Off A Cliff

The day started off perfectly. Our ancient Greek history re-enactment group began preparations for the Battle of Thermopylae event, the famous clash ...

1/26/2022 by Brandon Puff

Uh Oh! Sesame Street Just Gave Kids The Talk About How To Topple The Government By Any Means Necessary

Be alert parents, the beloved childhood show just did an episode explaining to kids how they can topple their oppressive governments through any mean...

1/25/2022 by Justin Avery Smith

Husband Has Identity Crisis After Accidentally Using The ‘Hers’ Towel

In this still-unfolding story, Jordan Thomas asks that you give him and his family some much-needed privacy during this somber time as they try to co...

1/24/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Virgins and Chads: The 12 Disciples Ranked By How Based They Are

Fuck it, we’re ranking the disciples. You know them. You love them. They’re grown men who followed around Jesus as his groupies and most of them died...

1/22/2022 by Brandon Puff

270 Doctors Sign Letter Urging Public To Stop Listening To Joe Rogan And Try Their Medical History Podcast Instead

Over two hundred and fifty doctors have all signed an open letter urging the public to stop listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast and instead to try and l...

1/21/2022 by Brandon Puff

Why I Started Stabbing My Drywall Rather Than Just Punching Holes In It

Emotions are confusing, especially for men who are too strong to get in touch with them. While some may tell you to run from your fear, our natural i...

1/20/2022 by Brian Beuche

How To Show A Job That You’re The Ideal Candidate Who Will Do FUCKING ANYTHING To Land The Job

Brian Bueche Job hunting is annoying. You have to find a job you like, you have to make up a whole application, write a cover letter, and if you’r...

1/18/2022 by Justin Avery Smith

Inspired! Man Persuades Wife To Have Second Kid After Their First Won’t Watch Die Hard

Reggie Lewis is receiving much praise after successfully negotiating with his wife Bonnie to bring a new life in this world. With this action, Lewis ...

1/18/2022 by Caleb Townsend

How To Trick Women Into Sleeping With You By Treating Them With Respect

Respect the pussy and tame the penis! These words aren’t the ravings of a lunatic. No, they’re the mantras that you will need to remember if you want...

1/17/2022 by Brandon Puff

Webb Telescope Predicted To Capture Incredible High Definition Photos Of Saturn’s Cleavage

With the launch of NASA’s Webb telescope comes news of some exciting data we will be receiving from the advanced technology we have now successfully ...

1/15/2022 by Fred Nelson

ManFacts Salutes A Fallen Hero

1/14/2022 by Caleb Townsend

‘I Refuse To Watch SNL Anymore,’ Says Man Who’s Never Seen SNL

ESSEX, MD –  A local Essex man, Bill Holland, is declaring that he refuses to watch SNL anymore following an episode in which the cast mocks republi...

1/13/2022 by Brandon Puff

How To Talk To Your Child About The Global Pedophilic Cabal

With the recent trial of Ghislaine Maxwell, elite pedophilic cabals have been all the rage throughout the media cycle, and your children may have que...

1/12/2022 by Fred Nelson

GENIUS: This Man Said The Thing You Said Back To You In A Funny Voice

HOLLYWOOD, CA –  After a long and heated debate about which taco truck to hit for some late-night drunk munchies, your college friend, James Marco (2...

1/10/2022 by Brandon Puff

Marvel Reveals Phase Four Of Its Takeover Of The Ukrainian Government

Big news for Marvel fans came this weekend after Kevin Feige announced phase four of their plans to take over the Ukrainian government.  Feige laid ...

1/8/2022 by Brandon Puff

Pope Says Choosing Family Over The New Dyson Twelve Speed Blender Now Available For Only 49.99 Is Selfish And Irresponsible

In a statement that has caused controversy, Pope Francis announced his concerns over a new trend of choosing to start a family rather than buy incred...

1/7/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Ted Cruz Rejects Responsibility For Jan 6th: “I Was In Cancun When it Happened”

My fellow patriots, it’s been one year since the peaceful walk through the capitol that made the libs lose their mind. Even though all this time has ...

1/6/2022 by Caleb Townsend

“Igh Trus Migh Immune Syseem,” Says Man Currently Having Stroke

Timberville, VA (ManFacts) —  Despite suffering a debilitation seizure, local man, Greg O’Connor is standing firm in his refusal to get a vaccine. M...

1/5/2022 by Erwin Feinberg

Hypocrisy? NYC Took Down a Statue of Jefferson But Won’t Rename Kony Island?

Fellow patriots, as we all know, liberals are complete hypocrites who believe in nothing. All they want to do is topple our gods and replace them wit...

1/4/2022 by Fred Nelson

QUESTION: Can Me And My 11 Friends Have A Bump Of Coke?

1/3/2022 by Caleb Townsend

Conservative Man Anxiously Counting Days Until Next Culture War Holiday

Front Royal, VA (ManFacts) -- Noting that he's not sure what to talk about with his family, local conservative Craig Miller told reporters he&#...

12/31/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Scarface Poster Watches Man Have Sex For The Second Time Ever

Scarface. It’s a classic movie, better than any other movie about the Latino experience no matter what Coco says!!! And I’m a white man who watches a...

12/30/2021 by Fred Nelson

Dying Man Insists Joe Rogan Perform Critical Surgery On Him

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Jason Gural (28) lies in a hospital bed after a recent cardiac episode caused by a coronary blockage, possibly the result of a diet...

12/29/2021 by Caleb Townsend

A Look At Kyle Rittenhouse’s New Sitcom: Ritten In The House

Hollywood, California —  America’s newest sweetheart is about to make his first appearance on television screens across the country. Kyle Rittenhous...

12/28/2021 by Caleb Townsend

A Guide To Making Sure Your Girlfriend Understands Comedy By Showing Her Episodes Of Cumtown

Being in a relationship is hard. When finding synchronicity with another person, there’s a tendency to want your girlfriend to like everything that y...

12/27/2021 by Ken Taro Ward

Pro-Life Cop Unsure What to Do With Fetus After Arresting Pregnant Woman

TOPEKA, Kan. –  Officer Wesley Wilbur hit a roadblock he didn’t expect when he recently arrested a woman for jaywalking: she was pregnant, sources c...

12/24/2021 by Editorial Staff

8 Brave Soldiers That Died Heroically in the War on Christmas

Here at ManFacts, we believe strongly in honoring our veterans. We saluted the veterans of WWII by playing the Nazi Zombie Map on Call of Duty for on...

12/22/2021 by Brandon Puff

OPINION: Dating a Liberal Is a Bad Idea, Especially When They Have Chainsaws for Arms

The dating world is a strange and dangerous place. It’s even more of a struggle out there when you’re searching for someone who agrees with every opi...

12/21/2021 by Fred Nelson

Insight? This Group of Teenage Boys Has Figured Out Which ‘Workaholics’ Characters They Would Be

DAYTON, OHIO – In such confusing world, figuring out one’s identity can be a truly difficult task. Some people go their whole lives without figuring ...

12/20/2021 by Brandon Puff

How to Talk to Your Coworkers About Sex Without Revealing You’ve Only Had It Once

Sex is a healthy and enjoyable adult experience that should be celebrated and talked about freely. This is especially true for those of us who have b...

12/17/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Study Shows Men Who Tweet “Rise and Grind” in Their Twenties Likely to Tweet “Wake and Bake” in Their Thirties

A new study shows that men who tweet “Rise and Grind” in their twenties are more likely to tweet “Wake and Bake” in their thirties. The startling st...

12/15/2021 by Ken Taro Ward

Libertarian Happy to Pay Toll Every Half Mile to Use Someone’s Privately-Owned Road

BOISE, Idaho – At a recent city council meeting, local resident Chuck Miller used the public forum time allotment to propose privatizing the city’s r...

12/14/2021 by Brandon Puff

Guide To Drinking: How To Stay Classy Even Though You Just Pissed Your Pants

Having your pants soaked in warm piss doesn’t have to be the end of a fun night, with this sleek and informative guide we’re going to show you how to...

12/13/2021 by Editorial Staff

6 Comedies to Show Your Grandkids Where the Pivotal Plot Point Is Men Committing Sex Crimes

You know, comedy is subjective. That’s what you’re going to have to say to your grandkids when you show them the nuts and bolts of comedy. “This TikT...

12/10/2021 by Caleb Townsend

3 New Netflix Comedies That Couldn’t Be Made Today

You know, they couldn’t make Blazing Saddles today! At least, that’s what Sam Elliot told me through a meme. It seems these days, comedies are too af...

12/9/2021 by Brandon Puff

Five Unlikely Team-Ups That Would Shake The World

Hitler And Baby Hitler Imagine combining the malice and bitterness of Adolf Hitler with the youth and innocence of baby Adolf Hitler. Could Hitl...

12/7/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Dr. Oz Declares He’s Running for Senate to Ensure Every American Has Access to OxyContin

It’s a big day for fans of being skeptical of western medicine, because longtime snake-oil salesman and 2nd worst guy named Mehmet, Dr. Oz, declared ...

12/6/2021 by Brandon Puff

Five Manly Activities to Enjoy So the Awful Dandies in the London Streets Don’t Imply You Are Nothing More Than Cranberry Flavored Pansy Pie

Hopping About on the Pogo Stick That Dearest Mommy Got You to Show Those Lower Class Ruffians They Could Never Be Your Peers Oh, those jagged toot...

12/4/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Comedic Genius!? This Guy Said “Joe Brandon” Instead of Joe Biden!

For years, dumb liberals have been rubbing the fact that there aren’t a lot of funny conservatives in our faces. Sure, we used to throw names like La...

12/3/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

To Understand Hanukkah, Man Watches Entire Adam Sandler Filmography

Fellas, it’s that time of the year again: Jewish Christmas. Now I know that a lot of us guys who didn’t grow up with a Jewish friend or actively had ...

12/2/2021 by Fred Nelson

Centrist Gets 1.5 Vaccine Shots

As the decision to get the Covid-19 vaccine gets increasingly politically polarized, many Americans have been forced to pick a side. If they choose t...

12/1/2021 by Brandon Puff

Man Stoked to Learn There Is an Entire Country Based on ‘The Sopranos’

Local New Jersey Resident Bob Griblo was excited to learn that his favorite television show,  The Sopranos , had an entire country based on it. Bob ...

11/30/2021 by Caleb Townsend

3 Other Celebrities Who Went to Their Old High School to Berate the Student Body

Dave Chappelle, famous comedian and recent victim of cancel culture, took a stand for famous people everywhere, and did something most people are too...

11/29/2021 by Brandon Puff

5 Dwayne Johnson Quotes That Prove He Is An Absolute Warrior King

“People always talk about blood, sweat, and tears when it comes to hard work but it’s time we stopped being afraid of the urine that goes along wit...

11/27/2021 by Brandon Puff

Gas Prices Soar as Biden Gnaws on Pipline

Americans heading to the gas pumps are likely to find a costly surprise after President Biden has chewed on nearly three miles of oil pipeline. The ...

11/26/2021 by Caleb Townsend

OPINION: How Come There’s No White Friday?

11/25/2021 by Brandon Puff

American Testosterone Levels Rise By 300% Following Release Of Kid Rock Music Video

Following the release of Kid Rock’s latest adrenaline injected music video, scientists have measured an increase of testosterone levels across the co...

11/24/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Louis C.K. Enters ‘Being Nominated for a Grammy’ Phase of Cancel Culture

As we all know, Cancel Culture is a bigger existential threat than climate change. It has gotten so bad in our country that last night, when I was im...

11/23/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Quiz: Is Your Thanksgiving Costume Racist?

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, many of us are asking a very important question this year: is my Thanksgiving costume racist?  For years,...

11/20/2021 by Caleb Townsend , Alaina Bingler

How to Talk About the Rittenhouse Case This Thanksgiving Without Losing Your Buzz

You’re at Thanksgiving dinner with your family and you’re on your 3rd Sam Adams beer in an hour. You’ve already talked to your nephew about how his h...

11/19/2021 by Brandon Puff

PR Disaster Averted: This Company Put Googly Eyes On Their Robot Gun Dog

We’re living in an age of technological wonder, with power at our fingertips our ancestors would have never imagined. Eight slotted toasters, strawbe...

11/18/2021 by Editorial Staff

Taylor Swift Releases Album About Future Break Up With Pete Davidson

Taylor Swift is reportedly working on a new album, chronicling her future breakup with Pete Davidson.  “I know we haven’t dated yet, but we were in ...

11/17/2021 by Dave Ruff

How to Deal With Limp Bizkit’s New Album Being Pretty Good

Like many of you reading this, I am a white male who loves Fight Club (the film, obviously). I understand the unfounded white male rage. I’ve broken ...

11/16/2021 by Editorial Staff

Left Can’t Take a Joke? This Baby Cried When I Yelled ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ In Its Face

With nearly full control over the comedy landscape, liberals seem to have no sense of humor, whatsoever. I understand that their many sitcoms and lat...

11/15/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Generation Who Dropped Two Atomic Bombs on a Foreign Country Has a Lot of Interesting Opinions on Police De-Escalation

There’s been a lot of chatter in recent years about our greatest generation of heroes, The Greatest Generation, who helped end the Holocaust, end the...

11/13/2021 by Dave Ruff

Judge Insists Prosecutors Refer to Rittenhouse Exclusively as ‘That Nice Young Man’

11/12/2021 by Dave Ruff

How To Motivate Your Parents To Work Harder So They Can Invest In Your Company

The grindset is alive and real here in my crib, and if I’m gonna pop off I’m gonna need a motha-fucking jumping board!  My main man, Jeff Bezos got ...

11/11/2021 by Matt Hyams

Gender’s a Construct??? So Is Your Mom. Also, What’s a Construct?

Don’t go around telling me gender’s a construct, cause I’ll tell you who’s a construct: your mom, that’s who. Your mom’s a big fat construct, whadda ...

11/10/2021 by Noah Katz

Alec Baldwin Blames Manslaughter Charge on “Cancel Culture”

Director of cinematography Halyna Hutchins, 42, died tragically on Thursday October 24 when a prop gun mistakenly discharged a live round while on se...

11/9/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Conservatives Around the World Demand Big Bird Be Depicted in the January 6 Insurrection

Conservatives around the world are demanding that the official Big Bird Twitter account puts out images of Big Bird at the January 6th insurrection. ...

11/8/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Opinion: Daylight Saving Time? How About We Save Our Kids from Critical Race Theory Instead?!

Brave patriots, I come to you all today because an injustice has been done yet again to the good, hard-working citizens of this country. This is no s...

11/5/2021 by Brandon Puff

How I Survived a Bear Attack by Living Far Away From Any Bears

One might not be sure what to do when encountering a beast of the wild. You’ll probably be filled with immense fear and cowardice much like Andy Dick...

11/4/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Joe Biden Raised Gas Prices and He’s Also the Reason My Car is Impounded

Well, congrats, Dems. I hope you guys are proud of yourselves. Because of your reckless disregard for the future of our country, now we all get to su...

11/3/2021 by Fred Nelson

Canceled? Nobody Laughed at the Rape Joke I Told in the Break Room Today

Alright, this is it. The Woke Mob has gone too far. After mercilessly slaughtering the likes of Dave Chappelle, Rosanne, Dr. Seuss, Sesame Street, an...

11/2/2021 by Brandon Puff

Potential Red Flag? This Woman Has No Interest in Dating Me

When you’re a bachelor on the prowl for some beautiful young women, you’re out there almost every single night playing the dating game. This is where...

11/1/2021 by Matt Hyams

The Algorithm Clearly Hates Straight, White Men Cause I Know it’s Not My Content

Look, I’m as humble as the next guy but two TikTok views in an hour? Seriously? Come on. What’s going on around here? No need, cause I already know....

10/30/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Man Owns Libs by Dressing up as Wall for 6th Year in a Row

10/29/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Facebook Changes Name to “The Facebook”

In efforts to rebrand themselves, Facebook has officially changed their name to “The Facebook.” The news comes on the heels of Mark Zuckerberg’s anno...

10/28/2021 by Shane O'Connor

Ubisoft Announces New Assassin’s Creed Protagonist Will Be a Cop

MONTREAL, CANADA – Video game studio Ubisoft has announced its latest entry in the Assassin’s Creed series, “Assassin’s Creed: Law and Order”. Player...

10/27/2021 by Brandon Puff

Ten Dangerous Items To Be On The Lookout For In Your Children’s Halloween Candy This Year

Left Sided Twix Ever since Twix revealed their left or right Twix campaign, people have been eating up their marketing scheme while keeping themse...

10/26/2021 by Caleb Townsend

OPINION: So Alec Baldwin Can Shoot His Coworker, But When I Do it, It’s a Felony?!

Recently, you may have heard the news that Alec Baldwin fatally shot his co-worker on the set of  Rust.  Ironic that an anti-gun nut, who has spoken ...

10/25/2021 by Fred Nelson

Stereotype True? This Female Duck Can’t Drive for Shit

Many people might call you a sexist for saying that women can’t drive. Well, sometimes science simply doesn’t follow the guidelines of “woke” America...

10/23/2021 by Caleb Townsend

OPINION: I’m Fine With a Black James Bond but the Woke Mob Better Not Get Near Austin Powers

Yeah Baby!!!! Or rather, “no, baby,” is what I will be saying if they try to make Austin Powers into a black trans woman or frankly anything besides ...

10/22/2021 by Brandon Puff

Jim Davis Finally Speaks On Garfield’s Opinion On The New Chappelle Special

Jim Davis stands atop the world of modern American cartooning as an absolute master of his craft through his comic strip Garfield. Garfield is quite ...

10/21/2021 by Brandon Puff

LIFE HACK: Assert Your Dominance at the Pool by Pissing in It

When you’re at a public swimming pool, you’re surrounded by savages. Those places are nothing more than a swamp for the wicked and the criminal. They...

10/20/2021 by Fred Nelson

HYPOCRITE: AOC Introduces Tax Bill in Room Full of Wealthy Congressmen

10/20/2021 by Caleb Townsend

The Spartan Mindset: A Mental Guide to Prepare for Your Walmart Greeting Shift

At one point in history, the Spartans were an army of men that embodied masculinity in its peak form. Ferocious, dominant, and built-in a singular me...

10/19/2021 by Brandon Puff

OPINION: My Wife Would Never Cheat On Me Because I’m Not Married and Have No Plans to Be

Men have it right now in the dating world. Most of the ladies out there are insane and, oftentimes, if you do find a woman worth marrying, you’ll com...

10/18/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Ben Shapiro Can’t Believe You Would Criticize Israel on Jewish Holiday He Just Made Up

Patriots, there comes a time when a man must stand on his principles. When he must draw a line in the sand and say “you fucking crossed the line budd...

10/15/2021 by Fred Nelson

LGBT Icon? This Man Watches Lesbian Porn

TOLEDO, OHIO – To the untrained eye, Ben Campbell may seem like your average 28-year old paralegal. But do some deeper digging and you will find that...

10/14/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

“Conservatism Is The New Counterculture!” Says Guy Who Works for Corporation That Gave a Bunch of Kids Cancer

Liberals have long been able to claim that THEY are the ones who “go against the grain,” and who actually are “independent thinkers.” But ever since ...

10/13/2021 by Dave Ruff

What Your Punisher Sticker Says About You

American Flag With Cool Terminator Eyes: Strong & Independent  You’re a real man’s man. You can change a tire and assume anyone wearing skinny...

10/12/2021 by Brandon Puff

OPINION: James Bond Should Be a Woman with Big Fat Juicy Titties and an Incredibly Fat Ass

There’s been a lot of talk lately about the future of the James Bond series. Some people think Bond should be portrayed by a woman, while others say ...

10/11/2021 by Editorial Staff

BREAKING: Christopher Columbus Resigns as Governor of New York in Response to Genocide Allegations

It’s Columbus Day, so you know what that means: the liberal mob is going to ruin the only thing Italian-Americans have to be proud of, except for Fra...

10/11/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Home Decor: How to Decorate Your Studio Apartment With Just a Samurai Sword

If you’re anything like me, you live in a barren apartment with no decor. A quick look into my living room will paint a very clear picture; 2 chairs ...

10/9/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Uncle’s Entire Understanding of Trans Issues Comes From Most Recent Dave Chappelle Special

10/8/2021 by Brandon Puff

Case Closed? This Mom Thinks The Zodiac Killer Might Be A Black Kid That Hangs Out Near Her Local Walmart

A local woman and concerned mother has come forward with breathtaking allegations that a black teenager who always hangs out in front of her local Wa...

10/7/2021 by Shane O'Connor

Post Malone Accused of Blackface After New Full Face Tattoo

Los Angeles, California – Rapper Post Malone has gotten himself into some hot water after his latest round of tattoos. Massive chart hits and an inor...

10/6/2021 by Dave Ruff

Libertarian Agrees With Boss’s Decision Not To Give Him A Raise

“While it would have been nice to get more money to pay my dad back for the car, I have to agree with Mr. Cohlson,” says Ted Liberson. Ted is a 24-ye...

10/5/2021 by Editorial Staff

Opinion: I Can Separate The Art from The Artist, and That’s Why All My Favorite Directors Happen to Be Pedophiles

With all the controversy in Hollywood over the last few years, the question of “can you separate the art from the artist” is more salient now than it...

10/4/2021 by Kai Nelson

6 Exercises That’ll Make the Ladies Scream, “You’re a Monster! Oh My God, What Have You Become?”

Once you’ve passed the normal benchmarks of bodybuilding (benching 225, deadlifting twice your body weight, and making babies cry), you may feel stag...

10/3/2021 by Editorial Staff

Put ‘Writer’ in Your Tinder Bio: and Other Great Writing Tips

If you’ve ever written anything, you’ll know that there’s nothing more satisfying than being able to express yourself with the incredible tools devel...

10/2/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Meatloaf to Nation: I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won’t Get Vaccinated

My fellow patriots, we live in a time of complete and utter madness. Chairman Biden has been issuing mandates left and right, critical race theory is...

10/1/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Vaccine Alternative? I Injected Myself with Small Doses of the Virus to Acclimate My Body to Covid

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably saying, “you’re not a doctor, so why are you weighing in on something you clearly don’t have a str...

9/30/2021 by Brandon Puff

OPINION: Having The Faces On Mount Rushmore So Close Together Is Gay

It’s no secret that the arts and architecture are filled with homoerotic propaganda. But nowhere else is it more apparent than in the monument known ...

9/29/2021 by Brian Beuche

Try to Cancel Me, Snowflake (Seriously, I Need the Attention)

You think you can cancel ME, punk? Do ya? You think you can be all woke and use your adorable little keyboard to tweet a bunch of stuff to get me can...

9/28/2021 by Joe Chafetz

Babylon Bee Unfortunately Only Species of Bee Not Endangered

9/28/2021 by Fred Nelson

What Elon Musk’s Breakup Means for Dogecoin

Being the savvy investor that you are, you’re probably wondering how external factors are going to influence your Dogecoin portfolio. And, of course,...

9/27/2021 by Fred Nelson

Getting a Divorce and Other Ways I’m Exactly Like Elon Musk

The minute I saw the story that cold-hearted skeleton woman, Grimes, and our sweet prince, Elon Musk, were taking a one-way train to splitsville, I i...

9/24/2021 by Brandon Puff

Local Applebee’s Deemed Monument To Capitol Rioters

An Applebee’s located in Washington DC has become an honorary monument to the bravery of the capitol rioters who attempted to secure freedom from the...

9/23/2021 by Shane O'Connor

Millennial Barbie Fears She May Never Be Able to Buy Dream House

Malibu, CA – Man Facts was granted an exclusive interview with Millennial Barbie to learn more about her financial trials and tribulations. Over the ...

9/22/2021 by Lizette Roman-Johnston

“Music Is My Therapy,” Says Man Who Only Listens to Crazy Frog

Am I the only one sick of all these online counseling ads on Facebook? I’m scrolling through my shit, laughing my ass off at Grand Theft Auto   memes...

9/21/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Tired of Black Rifle Coffee? Here’s 5 Other Hot Beverage Brands That Are Also Racist

Black Rifle Coffee. Doesn’t it sound badass? If you’re a veteran, or simply someone who likes reciting Dennis Leary’s Coffee Flavored Coffee bit to u...

9/20/2021 by Editorial Staff

Canceled?! I Haven’t Heard Much from Carrot Top Recently

It is now literally impossible to be a famous comedian without the woke mob busting down your door, smashing your collection of commemorative Dukes o...

9/18/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend is Right: Women Don’t Like Guys With Huge Balls

Today, it can be hard to know exactly “What women want.” You can watch that Mel Gibson movie as many times as you like, but I guess women, and what t...

9/17/2021 by Editorial Staff

“I Don’t Make the Laws,” Says Lawmaker

This week in Washington, negotiations are beginning on the $3.5 trillion dollar infrastructure package that Democrats hope to pass in the coming mont...

9/16/2021 by Brian Beuche

I’ve Spent So Much Time Hating AOC That I Feel Weird Asking What Her Actual Name Is

Look, I’m a red-blooded American, through and through. I own a ‘Sleepy Joe’ lawn gnome. When I see a veteran on the street, I go up and thank them by...

9/15/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Getting Kicked out of the PTA Meeting and Other Ways I’m Like Rosa Parks

“I had crossed the line. I was free, but there was no one to welcome me to the land of freedom. I was a stranger in a strange land.” Do you know who ...

9/14/2021 by Fred Nelson

COMPROMISE: Marjorie Taylor Green to Wear ‘Tax the Poor’ Dress to Next Year’s Met Gala

After Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a famous congresswoman and lightning rod for conservative’s sexual rage, was spotted at yesterday’s Met Gala clad in ...

9/14/2021 by Shane O'Connor

Account Security Question an Unyielding Reminder of Dead Dog

WEST CHESTER, PA – “Dammit, not again,” Jeremy Wood exclaimed as his bank’s website prompted him with a security question to verify his identity. Sec...

9/13/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Move Over Cigarettes! Ivermectin is the Newest, Hottest Prison Currency

If you’ve been to prison or watched the films  Get Hard  or  Let’s Go to Prison , you know that cigarettes are the cornerstone of the in-prison econo...

9/11/2021 by Fred Nelson

4 Best 9/11 Costumes

Did you put off buying your 9/11 costume until the last minute like you end up doing every year? Afraid you’ll get made fun of when you’re the only o...

9/10/2021 by Fred Nelson , Erwin Feinberg

OPINION: We’ll See Who’s Laughing Next Time There’s a Horse Worm Outbreak

Well, well, well. You all thought that taking an “FDA Approved” vaccine was going to save humanity from the Wuhan flu. Well, guess what, fuckers, the...

9/9/2021 by Fred Nelson , Erwin Feinberg

Theater Kid Moves to Washington, D.C. to Pursue Career as Crisis Actor

Everyone thinks that in order to become a successful actor, you need to move to New York or LA. People who say this don’t know just how much the indu...

9/8/2021 by David Trajanoski

11 Ways To Do Chores That Ensure You’re Never Asked Again

1. Bring up the fact that your ex always used to cook for you. She’ll appreciate the comparison. 2. Always have diarrhea so there’s never a good tim...

9/3/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Complimentary Breadsticks: The Result of Communism or Critical Race Theory?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You love free breadsticks. Free breadsticks have been a staple of American dynasties like Applebees, Olive Garden, ...

9/2/2021 by Fred Nelson

Smoking Weed Makes Me Better at Creative Tasks Like Watching TV and Masturbating

Allow me to state the obvious: it’s 2021 and if you don’t smoke weed, you’re a fascist tool. Everyone knows that marijuana is the solution to all of ...

9/1/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Shocking: Democrats Are Trying to Take Credit for Things Republican Hero JFK Did

Well patriots, it has come to this. Since the Demo-crap party wants to rewrite our history with statements like “critical race theory brings up some ...

8/31/2021 by Caleb Townsend

10 Other Animal Dewormers Joe Rogan Has Also Taken

If you follow the news, and by that I mean Facebook shitposting groups, you’ve undoubtedly heard that Joe Rogan has recently ingested ivermectin in r...

8/31/2021 by Brandon Puff

These 27 Vitamins And Supplements Will Replace The Need For Diet And Exercise

Magnesium to keep the fluid in your spine flavorful. Folic Acid will allow you to see in the dark I think. Biotin gives you a really athlet...

8/30/2021 by David Trajanoski

The Proper Way to Ice Your Balls After Failing the Milk Crate Challenge

If you’re a white, hot-blooded, American male aged 17-25, it’s a statistical probability you will attempt the Milk Crate Challenge and consequently f...

8/27/2021 by Caleb Townsend

BREAKING: The Libs Want to Abolish ICE and Make You Enjoy Your Drinks at Room Temperature

“ABOLISH ICE!” I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase. Whether you’re at a restaurant trying to enjoy a margarita or in your home sipping on a Mountain Dew...

8/26/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

OPINION: If I Don’t Like Your Criticisms of America, Why Don’t You Move to A Country That Suppresses Free Speech?

Hello America, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Not the country per se, which is the greatest country on Earth and has never done anything wrong, b...

8/25/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Top 5 Reasons She’s Not Coming Back

Hey there buddy. I know it’s been a rough few years since Cheryl left you and took your box set of LOST. Those are hard to come by now. But we here a...

8/24/2021 by Ken Taro Ward

Dinner at New Jay-Z Restaurant Includes Appetizer and Three Side Hustles

NEW YORK – Jay-Z’s new restaurant, HOVA, offers something different with dinner than other restaurants: side projects.  “HOVA stands for Hustlers, O...

8/23/2021 by Caleb Townsend

6 Muppets That Would Stand up for Freedom and Refuse the Vaccine

Everyone knows that The Muppets are gay-agenda-loving communists who will fall in line with whatever the “media” and “medical consensus” tells them. ...

8/21/2021 by Fred Nelson

Pornhub to Ban All Sexually Explicit Content from Their Website

8/20/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Communism? My Girlfriend Wants to “Share” My Bed!

Okay guys, let me know what YOU’D call this. I’m pretty sure this is Marxism 101, but my girlfriend keeps telling me I’m just “afraid of commitment.”...

8/19/2021 by Brandon Puff

The Founding Fathers Ranked By How Nicely They Treated Their Slaves

If you’ve ever been around nerds who went to college, then I’m sure you’ve witnessed them trying to destroy your heroes. This is most true when a dis...

8/18/2021 by Ken Taro Ward

Bill Gates Also Unable to Move Image in Microsoft Word Without Destroying Document

SEATTLE – When Bill Gates tried to move an image one pixel over in Microsoft Word, he wrecked the entire document, employees inside his house confirm...

8/17/2021 by Fred Nelson

We Went to Afghanistan to Interview Taliban Leaders but Got Distracted by All the Opium

Now that President Biden withdrew U.S. troops from Afghanistan, the Taliban, like so many other things from the 2000s, are back in full swing, baby! ...

8/16/2021 by Fred Nelson , Erwin Feinberg

OPINION: When Trump Said We Were Leaving Afghanistan, He Didn’t Mean It LITERALLY!

“President” Joe Biden has just made the most irresponsible foreign policy decision of his entire career; he got US troops out of Afghanistan. Now, I ...

8/16/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Cancel Culture Gone Crazy: I Got Fired For My Allegiance to the Taliban

Well patriots, Twitter has officially TAKEN OVER my life. You make ONE minor, super insignificant pledge to destroy everything the west has ever stoo...

8/14/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

“School Mask Mandates Are Child Abuse,” Says Man Who Hits His Kids

LEHIGH VALLEY, PENNSYLVANIA – Awaiting a much-anticipated decision from the school board regarding masks requirements for students this upcoming fall...

8/13/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Confession: I Only Date Men Who Can Explain Math Rock to Me

They say condescension is an aphrodisiac. I can’t say I disagree.  Let me paint you a picture. I have been on a lot of dates with men and ever since...

8/12/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

“They Don’t Get to Have Elections in China,” Says Guy Who’s Never Voted

Look commies, I’ve heard all of your arguments. You dum-dums flood my mentions daily with talk of healthcare, free college, and so called lower emiss...

8/11/2021 by Brandon Puff

I Have Definitive Proof That Hilary Clinton Killed My Goldfish In The 8th Grade

Years of my life have been dedicated to finding and proving one absolute truth that I have deep inside my heart. There is a knowledge within me so da...

8/10/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Scary! Report States Covid Is Both a Hoax and a Chinese Bioweapon

Let me start this with a confession: I haven’t had a vaccine since I was six. No tetanus, no flu shot, nothing. I’ve had tetanus twice and suffer fro...

8/10/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

“Do I Get to be Governor Now?!” Asks a Dazed Rudy Giuliani Waking up From A Nap on the Toilet

Today in the communist Republic of New York, republicans finally have gotten what we’ve been asking for. Andrew “Corleone” Cuomo has resigned from th...

8/9/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

McDonald’s Mascots Ranked by How Likely They Would’ve Stormed The Capitol

1. Grimace The obvious king of everything badass, Grimace would’ve been the first McDonald’s mascot to make it through the window of the capitol a...

8/7/2021 by Brandon Puff

The Wild Man’s Guide To Starting A Fire With Help From Your Dad

Nature is a creature with fangs of ice and eyes of death. One wrong move and you will find yourself impaled on a tree or stabbed to death by a gang o...

8/6/2021 by Caleb Townsend

I Bought a DILDO to Own the…Libs? Or Something? I Lost Track of What’s Happening.

This dildo, this cock, this magnificent veiny penis, is now mine. As Georgia is attempting to enact strict ID policies that have been met with protes...

8/4/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

How to Suddenly Give a Shit About Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Because You Hate Andrew Cuomo

Attention men! It’s official! Andrew “Dice” Cuomo is going to prison (or maybe not, maybe he’s just resigning)!!! I know that, as brave patriots, we’...

8/4/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

How to Suddenly Give a Shit About Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Because You Hate Andrew Cuomo

Attention men! It’s official! Andrew “Dice” Cuomo is going to prison (or maybe not, maybe he’s just resigning)!!! I know that, as brave patriots, we’...

8/2/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Big Tech Crackdown?! My Computer Stopped Working After I Poured Mountain Dew On It

Alex Jones warned us about this! When he was removed from Facebook, we said nothing. When Parler was removed, we said nothing. Well, now the Big Tech...

8/2/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Big Tech Crackdown?! My Computer Stopped Working After I Poured Mountain Dew On It

Alex Jones warned us about this! When he was removed from Facebook, we said nothing. When Parler was removed, we said nothing. Well, now the Big Tech...

8/2/2021 by Fred Nelson

OPINION: If Obama Can Throw a Massive Birthday Party During a Pandemic, How Come Nobody Showed Up to Mine?

First the Dijon mustard, then the tan suit, and now this?! Recently, Barack Obama, the literal antichrist, announced he will be throwing a 60th birth...

7/31/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

New Crisis: We Are Running Out of Golf Courses in The Desert

Fellow patriots, we are at a crossroads I never thought possible in our lifetime. As the American West gets hotter and drier every single year, we ar...

7/29/2021 by Caleb Townsend

SHOCKING: 103-Year-Old Smoker Who Skydives Found Dead, 2 Days After Taking Vaccine

Still think vaccines are safe? Well, why don’t you ask David, a 103-year-old lifelong smoker who has a passion for Skydiving? Oh wait, you can’t, bec...

7/29/2021 by Brian Beuche

Treat Others The Way You Want to Be Treated! That’s Why I Send Nudes To Everyone In My Contacts

I come from a good family. They raised me right. They always said ‘Son, you gotta make sure you treat everybody the way you want to be treated. You w...

7/28/2021 by Brandon Puff

How To Decide Which Movie Character To Base Your Personality On

So, you’re finally growing up, and aren’t sure what type of person you want to be as you step into adulthood.  Well, the truth is that growing, as a ...

7/27/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

How To Back The Blue While Thinking All Capitol Police Officers Are Dirty Liars

Today the lamestream media was at it again, trying to paint what happened on January 5th (or was it 6th? Honestly it was so not a big deal that I can...

7/27/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Make Your Dick Bigger (and Then Significantly Smaller) in 2 Easy Steps

Want to make your girl scream? Want her addicted to your cock? Who doesn’t? In today’s society, men are made to feel inadequate about their penis siz...

7/26/2021 by Brandon Puff

How To Be Confident Enough To Approach Women And Make Them Feel Uncomfortable

Talking to women is a lot like getting invasive spinal surgery. It’s gonna take some discomfort before all is said and done. You will not be the one ...

7/23/2021 by Editorial Staff

HILARIOUS: Foreign Man Has Foreign Accent

Alright guys, you’re never gonna believe this shit. I swear to god, dude; this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve watched EVERY Jeff Dunh...

7/21/2021 by Kai Nelson

Heartbreaking: This Man’s Girlfriend Forced Him to Learn about Skincare

Like many other twenty-something men, Jared Maxwell used to be clueless about skincare. He couldn’t tell a toner from a moisturizer, a face mask from...

7/20/2021 by Caleb Townsend

5 Feminist Movies to Watch With Your Girlfriend That Are Actually Pretty Hot

It’s that dreaded time of the month! Haha, no, not your girlfriend’s period. No, this is much worse. It’s that time when you have to watch a “feminis...

7/19/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

OPINION: If You Don’t Want the Delta Variant, Don’t Fly on Their Airline

It’s white boy summer baby. As such, many of us are traveling to escape the heat that’s being caused by God as revenge for making Joe Biden president...

7/16/2021 by Brandon Puff

Sure, The Wildfires Might Seem Bad, But They’re Actually Really Cool Looking

I just think wildfires are cool. To some that might sound insensitive, but those people are just overly emotional and sensitive. I’m not a coward and...

7/15/2021 by Nathan Kamal

Game-Changer? New Company Will Hire Large Men to Beat Up Your Dad

Wow, looks like there’s a new disruptor on the scene! True geniuses know every marketplace has niches, and every niche is just a demand waiting to be...

7/14/2021 by Caleb Townsend

How to Have Safe Sex With Your Vaccinated Girlfriend

Covid has put a strain on relationships across America. Perhaps one of the biggest hurdles is when one person is vaccinated, and the other person is ...

7/14/2021 by Erwin Feinberg , Fred Nelson

Ted Cruz to Democrats That Fled Texas: ‘If I Wasn’t in Cancun Right Now, I’d Teach You a Thing or Two About Constitutional Duty’

Hello America, It’s me, Ted Cruz, the poor mans Dog the Bounty Hunter. Currently I’m in Cancun, again, dropping off my daughters for the 14th time, b...

7/13/2021 by Brian Beuche

‘The Neighborhood is Too Soft,’ Says Man Who Complained About Crime Rates Three Years Ago

Area Man Richard Greco believes his local neighborhood has become too soft. This comes just several years after Greco outwardly complained that the n...

7/12/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Cuba Is Proof Communism Doesn’t Work Because It Always Causes U.S. Trade Sanctions

Over the last week, fake coronavirus cases have been exploding on the, “everything is free,” island of Cuba, and finally, the welfare babies have had...

7/12/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Tucker Carlson Finds Himself in the Unique Position of Being Spied 0n by the NSA

Over the past two weeks, an unspeakable crime has been taking place in our nation’s capitol. Future president, Tucker Carlson has had to undergo the ...

7/9/2021 by Nathan Kamal

Bada-Bing! Tony Soprano Is Back and He’s Still the Good Guy!

Good news, guys! Tony Soprano is back and he’s still the good guy! That’s right, the main man himself, the capo di tutti capo, Anthony “Tony” Soprano...

7/8/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Scary! Sharia Law and Socialism Somehow Both Right Around the Corner

It’s happening folks. They are coming for you! Who, you may ask? Well, everyone. You see, Sharia Law is just around the corner. And despite being an ...

7/7/2021 by Brandon Puff

My Girlfriend Is On Her Period So I’m Writing This Article Until It’s Over

What a great time to write this article. Look, between you and me, I just need to get away from my old lady friend until she’s done acting like a mon...

7/5/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Aging Gracefully: 5 2000’s Sitcoms to Grab Onto For Dear Life

Every once in a while, I worry that my cynicism is just me falling into the same trap that every generation falls into when they age. I think to myse...

7/4/2021 by Fred Nelson

Snowflake Alert: This Soyboy Vietnam Vet Says He Gets “TRIGGERED” by Loud Noises

7/3/2021 by Brandon Puff

What Women Want: Guest Article Written by a Man

Hey there fellas! Does your brain hurt when you try to understand the inner workings of the female mind? Well, have no fear. I’m a man and I know al...

7/2/2021 by Fred Nelson

Done with Joe Rogan? Here’s 4 Other Muscular Bald Men to Get All Your News From

Ahh, Joe Rogan, the Nostradamus of modern times. For over ten years, the former  Fear Factor  host has served the general public as an authority in e...

6/30/2021 by Kai Nelson

Wow: Bear Grylls Shares the Innovative Workout That Helps Him Lie About Being Alone in the Wilderness

Though he makes it seem easy, it takes a lot of hard work and preparation to earn the title “Wilderness Expert”. That is until profoundly dishonest W...

6/29/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

OPINION: I Could Singlehandedly Get to The Bottom of How Covid Started in China If I Wasn’t On The No-Fly List

Being someone who grew up as the son of a dental hygienist, I know a thing or two about science and medicine. But the one thing I know for certain is...

6/28/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Standing Up to Cancel Culture: Dan Crenshaw Calls for U.S. Olympian to Be Fired for Not Eye-Fucking the Flag Hard Enough

Dan Crenshaw has had enough! Today our fearless and eyeless leader is working to “Cancel Cancel Culture,” by demanding Gwen Berry be fired from her j...

6/28/2021 by Liz Wiest

Grimes Finally Breaks Silence on Relationship With Elon Musk: “Beep Boop Bzzzzzgh”

Couple goals! Following the lead of her partner Elon Musk, who hosted SNL in May, musician and total goth #girlboss Grimes agreed to sit down with us...

6/26/2021 by Kevin Ralston

“I TOTALLY Banged This Dude’s Mom Last Night,” Cool Dad Tells Son’s Friends

It’s been thoroughly established that when two people make love to each other, it’s an awesome thing. However, if these people are your parents, and ...

6/25/2021 by Caleb Townsend

New Report From InfoWars: Infowars More Accurate Than Any Other News Source

A new report from InfoWars has confirmed that InfoWars is more accurate than any other news source. The study was conducted by InfoWars staff who ask...

6/24/2021 by Caleb Townsend

How to Dump Your Idiot Girlfriend For Not Liking the Same Cartoons You Like

We’ve all been there. You’re trying to expose your girlfriend to the latest cartoon, so subversive that she couldn’t even comprehend it. You’re the “...

6/23/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

OPINION: I’m a Maoist-Libertarian-Dadaist-Islamic-Fundamentalist-Theocrat and I Can Tell You Exactly What That Means

In today’s extremely binary world of political discourse, everyone is always going on and on about the same issues. Is Trump bad? Is Nancy Pelosi wor...

6/22/2021 by KC Shevek

Steven Crowder Shoots Himself 41 Times to Prove Some Bullshit or Something, At Least He’s Dead Now

Steven Crowder has long been known to push the limits of acceptable comedy, from his unflinching willingness to call out “lispy queers” to his brave ...

6/21/2021 by Brandon Puff

How To Survive Prison By Having Daddy Get You A Really Good Lawyer

Prison is scary, that’s a fact. It’s full of drugs, violence, minorities, and all manner of things that would make the average person petrified. Have...

6/19/2021 by Fred Nelson

OPINION: How Come There’s No Juneteenth for White People?

I’d like to first start off this article by letting you know that I am anti-slavery so, therefore, it is physically impossible for me to be racist. P...

6/18/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Why Wiping Your Ass Actually Deprives You of Necessary Nutrients Needed For Muscle Growth

We’ve been told our whole lives that when you shit, it’s offensive not to wipe your ass afterward. When you don’t wipe your ass, they told us, you ma...

6/17/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Is Nothing Sacred?! 5 All-Female Reboots of Movies You Literally Forgot About

Look, I’m not saying that female characters are bad. I like a good strong female character. For example, Ripley from Alien, or that lady that killed ...

6/16/2021 by KC Shevek

Opinion: The Government Has No Right to Tell My Boss What to Do

We live in a grave time where our civil liberties are eroded every day by the creeping authoritarianism of the state. I’m a Family Man. I work hard t...

6/15/2021 by Brandon Puff

If I Were Jesus, The Romans WOULD NOT Have Crucified Me

Jesus Christ is quite possibly the most famous person in the history of the world (besides Donald Trump and Steven Seagal). In my opinion, however, h...

6/12/2021 by Brian Beuche

How to Be The Alpha On This YouTube Comment Thread

YouTube comments are a bloodbath. They are a modern form of trench warfare. You scroll down on any video, no matter how innocent, and you’re gonna se...

6/11/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

How to Stay in the Closet This Pride Month: A Man’s Guide to Repression

Once again, it is June, and unlike last year, the gay communists are out, in full force, celebrating their gay communism in our streets loudly and pr...

6/10/2021 by Fred Nelson

‘It Just Feels Better’: Man Refuses to Get Vaccine Unless in Suppository Form

CLARKSVILLE, IN: Like many other registered republicans, mechanical engineer and proud father of three, Steve Trenton, holds a certain amount of skep...

6/9/2021 by Janie Danger

Eddie Murphy to Host Comedians in Cars Picking Up Transgender Prostitutes

Your summer guide to hot Pride month television just got even hotter! Legendary comedian Eddie Murphy, who once said “I’m afraid of gay people. Petri...

6/8/2021 by Caleb Townsend

What We Learned From the Fauci Emails We Didn’t Read

If you’re anything like me, you know that reading is for pussies. Sure, Tweets are one thing, but I haven’t read anything longer than 200 words that ...

6/8/2021 by Caleb Townsend

I Want to Support Chick-Fil-A Because I’m Homophobic But Popeye’s Really is Better

Look, I want you all to know off the bat that I 100% support Chick-fil-a. In 2012, I drove to Abingdon in support of Mike Huckabees Chick-Fil-A Appre...

6/7/2021 by Madeline Kline

Cultural Appropriation? Podcast Not Exclusively Run by White Guys Goes Viral

Outrage from the podcast community has recently hit a peak due to the recent viral success of the hot new podcast, The Anything Academy. While the p...

6/5/2021 by Brandon Puff

Liberal Media Corrupting Youth by Teaching Them Love and Kindness

Parents, it’s time for you to wake up and look around. Your children are slowly being indoctrinated to believe that love and kindness are values they...

6/4/2021 by Janice Peabody

6 Hacks for Giving Your Bedroom a Homey Touch Without Spending Big on a Bed Frame

Ditch the Books Books? Who needs ‘em!!! Replace all other reading material on your shelf with your unread copy of Infinite Jest, Men’s Health maga...

6/3/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Andy Ngo Speaks Out Against Self Inflicted Antifa Violence

It happened again, folks! This weekend in Portland, journalist and famous milkshake enthusiast Andy Ngo was just minding his own business and trying ...

6/3/2021 by Kai Nelson

5 Colors You Can Call that Shirt Your Mom Got You That Aren’t “Pink”

1. Blue  This one’s easy. Just say it’s blue, and gaslight anyone who questions you, saying stuff like “what’s pink?”, or “this is blue for sure, ...

6/2/2021 by Caleb Townsend

85 Comedians Simultaneously Sue Each Other Over Stand Up Special Entitled “Trigger Warning”

85 Comedians are simultaneously suing each other over the intellectual property rights for a stand-up special entitled “Trigger Warning”. Though the ...

6/1/2021 by Brandon Puff

Punching Holes in Walls: The Healthier Alternative To Crying

Let me paint a picture for you: It’s been a stressful week. Your boss won’t stop harassing you, there’s been a death in your family, and your partner...

6/1/2021 by Janice Peabody

Build Dick Pic Market Value by Making It an NFT

Listen up, gents. We’ve been flooding the dick pic market for decades. We’re supplyin’ but the ladies aren’t demandin’… for whatever reason.  But no...

5/31/2021 by Brian Beuche

Die-Hard Hockey Fan Actually Plays Hockey for the First Time

Applebee’s waiter and self-proclaimed hockey fanatic Calvin Bloch finally, actually, played a game of ice hockey for the first time Thursday night at...

5/30/2021 by Ron Reynolds

5 Things Woman Under 5’5 Never Get Tired of Hearing

So your liberal friends are all vaccinated and the bars are beginning to welcome customers in again. It’s been a while since you’ve practiced your pi...

5/28/2021 by Fred Nelson

Five Wolf of Wall Street Quotes Guaranteed to Get You Laid

Ahh,  The Wolf of Wall Street , the greatest movie since  Scarface . Just like Scarface, this movie features a protagonist that you should aspire to ...

5/27/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

“I’m Not Into People Jamming Needles In Me,” Says Man Who Injects Human Growth Hormones

The Covid Vaccines are here, and like many men, I’m skeptical of anything not sold by a certified lunatic who calls school shooting victims “crisis a...

5/26/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Six Movies That’ll Make you Forget About Emily and Her Stupid New Boyfriend

Movies are a portal to a different world. They are perfect a 2-hour escape from the reality that your beloved Emily is getting dicked down by someone...

5/25/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

How to Not Fantasize About Sliding Your Dick Into Tucker Carlson’s Mouth While It Just Sits There All Wide and Open Like That

Let’s face it, when you’re watching Tucker Carlson tonight, the impure thought of lodging your phat hog in his perpetually open mouth crosses your mi...

5/24/2021 by Janice Peabody

From Incel to Excel: How I Landed an HR Job at My Local Women’s Shoe Outlet

I’m surprised the place was functioning without me, a hot-blooded male who lied about being able to lift 50 pounds on the application questionnaire. ...

5/22/2021 by KC Shevek

Local High Schooler Believes Camo Actually Makes Him Invisible Because No One Will Approach Him at School

Colin Bines is your average high schooler: he loves our military – and hunters, like his father – so he wears camo gear to school every day. He works...

5/21/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Conservative Think Tank Identifies as a Comedy Website

Babylon Bee, a local conservative think tank meant to largely push anti-trans rhetoric and do damage control for the GOP, now identifies as a comedy ...

5/20/2021 by Fred Nelson

4 Hilarious Conservative Comedians That Are All Tim Allen

Nowadays, every comedian seems to have a left-leaning political bias, from the cast of SNL to those clowns at the DNC (amiright fellas??). Whatever h...

5/19/2021 by Caleb Townsend

The 6 Best IPAs to Make You Not Care if She Cums

IPAs are a beer that shows that you know about beer. Despite being made in India, IPAs manage to go toe-to-toe with the best American beers and offer...

5/18/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

OPINION: I Can Be an Anti-Semite Who Supports Israel Because I’m a Free Thinker

In today’s social-justice plagued America, people think the world is so black and white. People think if you love your country, it means you have to ...

5/17/2021 by Janice Peabody

The Good, The Plaid, and The Ugly: Talking to Your Hunting Buddies About Scottish Culture Appropriation

You’re deep in the woods, surrounded by your buddies for the weekend. You’ve shot your first buck and now you’re heading down to camp for a night of ...

5/14/2021 by Janie Danger

How to Get Your Sleep Paralysis Demon to Sleep With You

Sleep paralysis is the inability to move or speak when either falling asleep or waking up. It is often accompanied by a formless, ominous presence, w...

5/13/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Disgusting: Brave Patriot Surgeon Fired After Refusing to Wear Mask During Operation

Time to bow down to your corporate overlords! A local government-funded hospital has just fired a surgeon after refusing to wear a mask during the op...

5/12/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

23 Less Gay Ways to Say “I Genuinely Care About Our Friendship, Dude”

  “You’re like Mark Wahlberg and I’m like Donnie Wahlberg!” “You fucking pussy, come here and give me a hug!” “If anyone tries to fuck your sister,...

5/11/2021 by Fred Nelson

4 STDs That’ll Prove You Had Sex

Do your friends still not believe that you’ve ever had sex, no matter how many stories you tell them about threesomes with supermodels? Well, we at M...

5/10/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Getting Back to Normal: 6 Things to Yell at Random Women Once Masks Are Gone

Masks. They were cool when Slipknot wore them, but now they trigger an unhinged fury in your psyche. Masks are a blessing and a curse. On one hand, t...

5/9/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

Tucker Carlson Forgoes Monologue and Just Blows Literal Dog Whistle On-Air For 45 Minutes

Last Friday, unofficial (but very official) savior of the white race Tucker Carlson structured his show a little differently. While Tucker usually wi...

3/16/2021 by KC Shevek

Sorry Trans-Rights Cucks, But Sex Is Real and If Anyone Would Please Sleep With Me I Can Prove It!

Nowadays, completely out of the blue and new to MANkind, a bunch of snowflakes “feel” like they’re the incorrect sex. But we know they’re wrong. Fact...

3/8/2021 by Erwin Feinberg

CPAC Attendees Drive Home Anti-Pro Choice Message By Not Allowing Visitors To Select Which COVID Variant They Get

This past weekend was CPAC, also known as the Conservative Political Action Committee, also known as Ted Cruz’s final attempt at testing the waters f...

3/8/2021 by Janice Peabody

Everything You Need for the Perfect Capitol Riot Themed Bachelor Party

Stolen Podium. This is the cornerstone of the riot decor. Anyone giving a speech must be standing at the podium, piss-drunk. If you can’t steal on...

3/8/2021 by Caleb Townsend

Comedian Under Investigation After New Show “Trigger Warning” Results in Death of 8 Audience Members.

A local comedian, Robbie Vasquez, is currently under investigation after his new show, “Trigger Warning”, resulted in the death of 8 audience members...